#2 Only in my world…

I just came home yesterday from the hospital because I have double pneumonia and have had the worst headache ever, I went in last week so that’s why I haven’t been writing my blog. This would have been the worst week ever if we hadn’t just found out that Rick’s case against workers comp had been settled in his favor. this changes everything…Now we can settle the other two suits against his employer and the business where he was hurt to begin with. We’ve been waiting for so long for this to be over so we could get back to life but I don’t know how much better money can make anything now. He is supposed to be able to have his surgery in December if all goes well and then he can get back to working, after physical therapy of course. Here’s the problem…we don’t know if I’ll be alive then.

I do have to say that things have been going so wrong for so long that it’s really great to have anything good happening t o us so I’m trying really hard to look on the bright side. Rick being able to work again is the best thing that can happen for him, he’s felt like he was useless this whole year since the accident, I mean how bad would you feel if your handicapped wife had to do all the heavy lifting…he can’t even carry the groceries in from the car. At first when he was getting used to letting me do things I thought it was cute when I was putting the grocery bags in the car and i had to make him sit in the car so he wouldn’t try to lift something that would hurt him for the rest of the day…it really made him crazy to see me doing things he couldn’t help with. I think the emotional damage this has caused him was way worse than any of the physical damage. I know he wants to have the money now so that we don’t have to worry about paying the bills and we can focus on getting us both healthy, it could happen…we could both get better and live a long, long time.

So this coming week I have appointments with my new Oncologist, not a bad guy so far, and my Anesthesiologist who takes care of all my pain meds. I gotta tell ya, I love my pain Dr. He just makes me feel like I’m his only patient…at least the only one he cares about, I know it’s not true though because this guy is just wonderful at his job. He’s one of those truly good people who everyone wants to be like when they grow up. When I was in the hospital this week the Dr that was treating me told me that the pain Dr.s don’t come to the hospital to do consults but I insisted that they tell my Dr that I was there and he showed up. I knew he would, he couldn’t let me lay there in pain, he doesn’t have it in him to look the other way when I hurt. I wish I had known him years ago, I’ve been seeing him for about 3 or 4 years but before I had him in my corner I was in a lot more pain and the other Dr.s just thought I was looking for drugs. Somehow this particular Dr just knew how I was feeling and what would make me feel better. Come to find out that he had some issues with a painful injury when he was younger so he actually knows how bad pain can affect your life.

Anyway…so after I see him monday morning I then go to the Oncologist to schedule a PET scan of my whole body to see if how far this cancer has spread. I don’t have a good feeling about this scan…I’ve known since I found this lump in my breast a few months ago that something was wrong. I really did think to begin with that i had a cyst from walking on my crutches, I’ve had them before…they always just went away before. I guess it must have been the look on the techs face at the imaging center that told me for sure that it was worse than I had originally thought. She did try to show her best poker face when she was doing the test but i can read people pretty easily so I could see the pain in her when she looked at my tumors.

My mother was in the waiting room during the Mammo and the Ultrasound and she was sure that all I had was a cyst and it couldn’t possibly be anything else. I get that she couldn’t stand hearing that I had cancer again…I don’t know that I could handle it any better if it were my daughter with cancer. I came out to the waiting room and said “Mom, I have a tumor”…she said “No you don’t”…she actually said that they were just trying to scare me? I think that was the only thing she could think to say because I know she didn’t believe that total strangers would be trying to scare me about Breast Cancer. I love my mother, she just couldn’t stand hearing it again.

I don’t know if I want to have more of my body cut off and go through more chemo, even though I’m told it’s not that bad the second time around. I don’t want to die right now either so I’m a little confused as to what I should do. I know no matter what I choose to do that I’m gonna be very sick and in a lot of pain, but I also know what it would do to my husband and my kids if I die from this. As time goes by and I find out more about what my choices are going to be I hope that I can make the right decisions about my life, and I’ll be the first one to say that I don’t know what the right decisions are. I can’t put into words the pain I feel coming at me when my friends look at me or when I talk to my kids. It’s horrible, it’s just horrible.


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