#3 Waiting sucks


I’m doing my best to not break down every few minutes like I did when I first found out about my Breast Cancer, but it comes in waves. I’ve had the talk with all of my friends and family when I found out that it was really aggressive and spreading quickly so I was still trying to process it all myself. I cry at random times and I never know when it’s coming on so there’s no way to hide it from everyone. My brother Jason has been a God send his past week. We were not a family that ever were very touchy feely and not big on saying “I love you” or hugging but I’m noticing that changing lately. I don’t want anyone to think we weren’t close, we just weren’t big on wearing our hearts on our sleeves. Cancer seems to be making it easier and more important to say kind things to each other and actually is bringing my brothers and sisters closer than we were before. I have five sisters that are spread all over the east and west coast who I didn’t talk to more than once or twice a year, and now I’m getting regular phone calls and email just to ask if I’m feeling ok that day. It makes them crazy that there isn’t anything they can do to make me feel better physically so the phone calls keep coming. I have three brothers, two of which I never really knew because of reasons I won’t get into, but my little brother who I was raised with(Jason) lives here by me. Jason has always been a lot like our father in the respect that he worked very hard to make a good life for himself and his family so that ment that he works a lot and is always busy. I usually would only see him on holidays or birthdays, but I knew he was just doing his best to be a good man and it didn’t bother me to only see him sporadically because I knew he was doing the right thing for himself. I’m happy that he was able to travel and was enjoying life to the fullest. He was there when I had Cancer as a kid and he saw how bad it was for me and the rest of the family so I think he’s really scared for me now. He’s been so helpful and attentive since he found out that I’m sick again and has gone out of his way to support me and spend time with me at the hospital, he even brought me the epad that I’m typing this on because it’s small and I can carry it around with me when I start having my surgeries and chemo. He has a girlfriend (Robyn), who I adore and she even brought me books to read and wonderful smelling soaps, lotion, a matching candle and made me a little picture frame all so I would feel more comfortable in the hospital. When I told them I couldn’t stand the smell of the hospital they brought me a huge bottle of my favorite perfume too. I’m not used to all this attention from him, and I don’t like the reason for it, but the two of them are making me feel very loved and that I do like. Yesterday was my mother’s birthday, so the night before, Rick and I went out to dinner with mom and she knows that I’ve been craving M&Ms,everyone I know has been sending them to me because I said that they look like pills and they make me feel better so they must be a cure for Cancer, so before we left her house for dinner she handed me my purse and told me she put some emergency supplies in there for me…when I looked inside there was a tiny bag of M&Ms. My mother always knows what to do to cheer me up. The next day, yesterday, we had a Bar-B-Que at mom’s house and my sister (Nikki) and I made home-made pies, I made two sweet potato pies…one was a gift for Jason and Robyn to take home. It was the only thing I could think of to show them how grateful I was for all the support they had given me this past week, and Jason didn’t understand why I wanted to do something nice for him. I just wish I could have done more.
Rick and I have meetings with Dr.s and Lawyers this week so I’ll know more about the financial and medical things coming up, I just hope that Rick starts getting his pay checks started right away as well as the lump sum they have to pay him, that way we can focus on both of us getting the treatments we need. Even though financially we’ll be better off and back to where we were to begin with, I’m still worried about his neck surgery and my surgery happening about the same time. I know we’ll have lots of help if we need it, but we’re used to takeing care of each other so this is gonna be strange.

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