#4 To cut or not to cut…


So now I have to decide a few things. I saw my oncologist yesterday and he said the chemo is gonna make my hair fall out and i need to start the treatments very soon. I also need to make a decision about what kind of surgery I want to have, I could have less removed but then I would need radiation as well as chemo and surgery. I really don’t want to have radiation so I’m probably gonna go with having my entire right breast removed and then have reconstruction surgery. When I had chemo as a teen I know it was really bad and it almost killed me in the process but I’m still here so hopefully this time won’t be as bad for me. I did find out that the chemo drug that would normally be used for this kind of  Breast Cancer is the same drug that I had before as part of a test group and they can’t use it twice on anyone because it just won’t work. I also need to decide whether I’m going to have my hair cut short or wait for the chemo to slowly make it fall out in no particular pattern. I hate the whole idea of having short hair, and I don’t wear make-up so my hair is really the only girly thing about me so giving it up voluntarily is gonna be really very difficult for me to do. I do know that if I have it cut short I can donate it to Locks Of Love so another chemo patient can have a wig made out of it…and yes I’ve considered having a wig made for myself with my very own hair but that would be really expensive and take a long time to make. I had three wigs before, one was short and red the second was shoulder length and curly brown, the third was long and blond so I could choose whatever I wanted to look like every day. It took the other kids in high school a while to figure out why I had different length hair every day but eventually they got it. I guess I just like to mess with people.

My oncologist has finally ordered the PET scan to see if I have any more tumors that I don’t yet know about and after I get the results from that I can decide exactly how much treatment I’m willing to have. It all really depends on how bad the cancer is. All I know for sure is that I’m stage three with a very aggressive cancer so this might not all turn out very well for me. It could be a stage four but again I won’t know until the PET scan results come back. He said I should have the answer to that question and a few days. I just have to keep from going crazy until I have all the answers to those questions. I find myself being very angry that I even have to think about this at all, but everything happens for a reason.

Rick and I went to his workers comp lawyers office yesterday to pick up the “Award” letter so that he can get on with his surgery on november 29th. I’m so happy that he can finally get the surgery he needs so he can do rehab and hopefully get back into a truck soon after. He’s really going crazy waiting and it seems like it’s been longer than the year it actually has been. We’ll be getting his checks again so we can actually pay our own bills, this past year his brother Raymond and my mother have been loaning us money to survive while the workers comp issue was settled. It makes me very angry that so many people try to take advantage of worker’s comp so often that they think everyone is just making up injuries to get money from their employers. There are definitely easier ways to earn a living than screwing the system. From what my Dr.s are saying we will probably be having our surgeries at about the same time so that is gonna be terrible.  I honestly have no clue how this is all going to work as far as both of being taken care of. My mother and best friends are very close by so I know that if we need anything at all we’ll have people waiting in line to help out. I’ve always done whatever I could to help out my friends and family so they are all willing to come to our proverbial rescue if and when needed. I told Rick yesterday that we should hand carry the thousands of dollars we owe to his brother (who by the way owns our house) directly to him in person. Raymond lives in Hawaii but I think it’s the right thing to do to give it directly to him.  Rick put up no argument at all, but I don’t know that we’ll actually be well enough to travel any time soon. We’ll most likely just transfer the money into his bank account and go visit him when we’re both feeling a little better. It might give us both a reason to recover very quickly. We were just in Hawaii in February for Rick’s birthday so we’re both ready and willing to go back as soon as we can.

My best friend Diane was here last night and was asking my some very hard questions. She wanted to know if I die do I mind Rick finding a new wife. Actually, that’s a very good question. She said that she didn’t know if she could stand seeing him with anyone else because for the past 24 years we’ve been together, with the exception of a few times when we split up for a while but that never lasted. We just couldn’t stay apart. I’ve been told we’re like peanut butter and jelly, you just can’t have one without the other.  So how do I feel about that? I think that if I said I wanted him to be alone after watching me go through cancer that eventually killed me that would make me a very selfish person. It’s not like it would be possible for us to stay together if I was dead. Rick and I joke around about that subject and it’s been a running joke that when i turned fourty two he was going to trade me in for two twenty-one year olds but that was only a joke and now I might have to tell my dear sweet husband that I want him to be happy if and when I’m gone, which would mean him finding someone else to love him. Too bad we couldn’t both go at the same time, when we’re old and grey asleep in our bed. So many question right now. I know Diane ment well and she just wants to make sure that even after I’m gone she can still keep things going how I would want them. I think it’s a great friend that is willing to see that my husband and kids have someone there for them if I’m not here on this earth anymore. She cries when we talk about these things and since it’s still raw and new it’s all anyone can think about. I try to not keep it as the center of every conversation but I don’t know how to shut it off so we talk and laugh about things that are just heart breaking but necessary. I do wonder what things will be like when I’m gone, doesn’t everyone think about that? I guess that because I’ve always believed that I would eventually die from cancer it’s just always been a part of my thought process. I honestly don’t know if anyone else considers these  kind of issues. I don’t want my wonderful Rick to be alone and sad so I’ll have to make sure he knows that if I get too sick to fight this anymore. In a perfect world I would never have to think about things like this but here it is. I may out live everyone I know, but nobody knows when their ging to die, I could die tomorrow or fourty years from now but at least I’ll have put some thought into what I want to have happen if I do die anytime soon…just incase.

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