# 5 Anger can get you through anything.

I am angry a lot, why shouldn’t I be angry with all that I’m going through every day? I don’t try to be that way but it just seems like this world is trying to bring me down and I don’t think I should stand for that. Doesn’t everyone take some strength in a little hostility sometimes when things seem to pile up, one bad thing on top of another? I don’t know about anyone else but I know I come off as being strong through the difficult times when it’s only because I want to go down fighting. I hear a lot of  “you’re so strong”, or “you’re my hero”…why? I’m angry. Does everyone want to be angry just like me? Does everyone want to get through hard times in their life by being sarcastic and sometimes really mean? I don’t know, and I don’t much care what anyone else thinks I should do or say in any given situation. I think anyone who says they don’t get angry is a liar! Yep, I said it…lier! So I make a few small comments here and there when things are bothering me, but most of the time people don’t catch the hate I sneak into almost every sentence lately. I feel betrayed by my own body. The body I’ve tried to take care of through some very rough patches so you have to understand that I’m at war with myself. If other people get caught up in the middle of my conflict with my own body…so what? They should have listened when I told them that I’m not brave and I’m not strong. If I was brave and I was strong I probably wouldn’t need to write everything down for the world to read just because I don’t want to keep having the same conversation day after day about how I’m doing. I know people mean well and they usually have good intentions but come on…really? I’m sick of telling everyone else “it’ll be alright”, and comforting them when I’m the one who’s staring death in the face and trying to keep it at bay. I think being angry is the only weapon I have to fight something that has taken over my body, without my permission I might add, so what’s the big deal? I’ll tell you what the big deal is for me. I have choices to make but no matter what I do I could lose this fight. I don’t have any real weapons so my anger is gonna have to do the trick. You think I’m doing a wonderful job of fighting cancer? If I was I wouldn’t be fighting it again right now. I have no control and I’m a control freak, so how exactly is that supposed to work? I’m doing the best I can but I have to say that I don’t think I’m very well prepared to do this cancer crap again. Who knows what’s going to make me better or at least keep me alive? My doctors don’t even have a clear answer for that question. So if I speak to you and you hear a little bit of sarcasm, it probably has absolutely nothing to do with you or even the current subject. I’m just angry, and I don’t plan on trying to change that because it’s the only thing that makes me feel any better at that moment. Don’t take offence and for God’s sake don’t take it personally, I’m just fighting a losing battle with my own body, there are always casualties of war. And I am at war…


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