I’ve been thinking about many different things lately. Mostly about my family and how much to tell each person because not only do I not want to upset anyone but also I don’t want to have to explain every choice I make to everyone. For example yesterday, I saw my surgeon and talked to her about the type of surgery that I want to have. If I were to only have her take out the first tumor in my right breast and also remove all of my lymph nodes, which is where the other two tumors are, then I would need radiation treatments. I’m scared to death(no pun intended) of radiation so I refused to have any and opted for a radical mastectomy and removal of the lymph nodes then afterwords I’ll be doing chemotherapy. I know I’m going to have a lot of people asking me why I’m refusing radiation and I really don’t think I should have to explain any choice I make about my own body. I understand that my family wants me to do everything I can to get through this so I know why people are gonna be upset if they think that one treatment would have a better outcome than another but I have a really big family so answering a lot of questions would be very difficult for me right now. My sisters are very concerned and I have a lot of them so that’s a lot of concern. I’m having genetic testing done to see if this is something that runs in the family in which case they will all need to be checked for cancer periodically. Most of my family lives far away so they don’t always hear about all the good things that happen but they sure do find out quickly about anything bad. I feel bad for them in that respect and that’s why I’ve decided to let them all have access to this blog. I hope it will give them all answers to their questions and maybe it’ll give them some time for things to sink in before I talk to each of them about each new thing that going on. For people who don’t know me at all I’m guessing that my story will help them with whatever they are going through and if just one person can feel better about what they are going through then this was all worth it for me.
Sometimes no matter how well-intentioned a family member or friend is they can still do more harm than good if they believe they are right. It really doesn’t matter in my case because I’m doing what I believe to be right and therefore my opinion is always right. I know that I’ve been known to give my opinion on many different matters without thinking about the other persons view because I was sure I was right. No matter what I decide, I know I’m going to upset someone but I’m a very strong woman who knows what she wants and I’m OK with someone being angry at me. In a perfect world everyone would praise me for being strong but we don’t live in a perfect world, if we did then I wouldn’t have had cancer at all.
I may take into consideration what someone says if I believe it might be helpful, so it’s not that I don’t want suggestions. I don’t know everything so suggestions are welcome. I just don’t think that anyone should push what they want on anyone else. I’m sure my husband and my kids will give me lots and lots of suggestions because they just want me to live through this so I’ll listen and take it all in…then I’ll decide what’s right for me. I love my family and I know they love me right back so maybe I give them a little more slack in that respect but I also know that they know how I am and they won’t be surprised if I do something they wouldn’t do…I do tend to work that way. I don’t want to be like anyone else, I just want to be me and get through this terrible time in my life the best that I can. I don’t think anyone else would do anything differentially. Someone else might decide to take a different treatment or surgery but in the end our lives turn out to be made of all the choices we each make about how we want to live, and sometimes how we want to die.