I think that other than myself there isn’t anyone who knows everything about how I’m doing lately. It’s not for selfish reasons, actually it’s quite the opposite. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me because that’s when everything changes and people start seeing you as a sickness instead of as a person. I don’t want to be known as the one who has ‘The Cancer”. I know it’s hard for people, especially family, not to think of that every time they think about me but I’m more than that. I’m still a wife and I’m still a mother and a sister and a daughter. I don’t want my identity to change so I tend to make light of everything in the hopes that I can stay the same person I’ve always been. To me this whole thing mostly just feels like another thing that’s happened that I have absolutely no control over, and me being a control freak doesn’t make it any easier. I want to be the one who everyone calls to have a question answered or to tell someone how to fix something or just to shoot the breeze. Maybe I should feel honored that really bad things usually happen to stronger people and I’ve been given more than my share.
I do have good days too when Rick does something simple like making me grilled cheese and tomato soup on a cold day. Those are my favorite days when what were having for lunch is the biggest decision I have to make. I like to find out what’s going on with my friends and see where I can help out. The day after I found out I had cancer I was driving one friend to the Dr and the pharmacy and stopped at my house to pick something up and found out that another friend who had just had surgery needed help putting clean bandages on after her shower. It wasn’t until I was putting on the bandage that one of them mentioned that even though I was trying to process everything that was happening to me I didn’t hesitate to help my friends. That’s the kind of person I always want to be, but they don’t call much anymore. I guess they think I’m too sick or they don’t know what to say. I guess I don’t call them as much either so it’s not all their fault. We planned a get together this past Saturday, just incase I was too sick to socialize for a while, and when I didn’t hear from anyone I figured we weren’t doing it so Rick and I went to bed and didn’t find out until the next morning that my friends did show up. I suppose if we talked more I would have known they were coming and they would have known it was OK to wake me up. I would have gladly gotten out of bed if I knew they were here. I don’t feel sick yet and I’m used to being in some degree of pain so I can still take a pill and just keep doing whatever I’m doing. I have to try harder to act like nothing has changed because nothing has changed yet, and it won’t until after my next surgery. I need to remember that I’ve been through chemo and amputation and pain before but to many people this is all new. I know what to expect and I know how I’ll handle everything but that’s only because I’ve been here before. Even some family members won’t know what to say or do to help out and they will want to help so I need to make sure I let them do things for me and with me. I try to remember that they feel helpless too and it hurts them to see me struggle, but I’m sure they all know that I’ll get through this the best I can. Who knows, mabey something really good will come of all of this and it will have all been worth it in the end. Today I’m ging to clean my kitchen and make breakfast and do what’s left of the laundry I started yesterday, just like I would do any other day because nothing has changed…yet.