I woke up this morning to Justin and Rick bitching about Justin needing a ride to work. I totally was unprepared for this argument followed by about twenty minutes of Rick’s ranting about everything under the sun…and I hadn’t had my coffee yet. It’s funny how you can get used to some things and one day just snap. This morning I snapped. I probably said a few nasty comments that normally wouldn’t come out of my mouth, but these days I have so many things on my mind that I can’t seem to help letting go of some of it. And he really did have at least some of it coming. I made my coffee and went looking for my M&Ms thinking that they would put me in a better mood. A little sugar high never hurt anyone, but I looked everywhere I could think of and I still have no M&Ms. I do have my coffee though so that makes me feel a little better. I think my mood swings are getting worse because today I don’t want to go to anymore Doctors and I don’t want anymore tests. I’ve only been going at all because if I don’t go I’ll catch hell from every direction. What ever happened to it being my choice? And if I go have treatment for this cancer crap will it even work if I’m not into it? Meaning if I don’t really want it to work? I feel like everything in my life is a fight and I’m so tired, I don’t want to fight anymore and I know I’m gonna catch hell for putting all this out there, but it isn’t about whether or not I love and want to spend time with my family and friends. It’s just that I’m so tired of it all. I certainly don’t want to do anything to hurt myself, but I didn’t do this to myself…it just happened and I had no say in any of it. Now, I’m told that I have to fight it, and I have to do whatever I’m told to do to get better. What if no matter what treatments I have I still die? What if no matter how hard I try nothing works? I would like to be able to enjoy what I have left of my life. And my entire life it seems has revolved around cancer and being sick or in pain all the time. Is it too much to ask to catch a break at some point. If the world needs a hero they better look somewhere else because I’m not it. I want to be as normal as possible for as long as I can and that doesn’t include chemo and radiation and cutting off more of my remaining body parts. I don’t always feel like this but I do definitely feel this way a lot. Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel better but if I start getting a shit ton of phone calls about this then I won’t answer the phone. Just because I’m writing this all down does not mean that I want to discuss my every thought with everyone, and my feelings are not up for debate!
I found my M&Ms so maybe I’ll be in a better mood soon but for right now I just want to wish it all away and forget I ever had cancer at all.