#16 Is it bad to keep changing your mind?

At first when I found out that I have breast cancer I was sure that I didn’t want any treatment at all, then after talking to family and some women who have gone through it and my husband’s input I decided to go ahead with having the surgery and the chemo (which I always said I would ever do again). Now I find myself really contemplating not having the chemo again. I don’t want to upset my family and I really don’t want to die but I’m so tired of being sick and in pain. The pain part is pretty much under control(of course that means a handful of pills everyday), the being sick part seems to just keep going and going and going. I’m told that most people have one big illness in their lifetime so why do I have one every year or so that lasts months at a time? I feel drained and I don’t want to keep going through all this medical crap year after year. I know some people would just say that I’m depressed, but far from it. I feel fine except for just not wanting to feel like a lab rat all the time. I sleep great most mights and I get up early every morning and look forward to doing things every day. I look forward to taking care of my family and my home and I love doing things for my friends, so why can’t I just take the treatment that I’m told I need and move on? I don’t want to miss out on life in general and I sure don’t want to die before my children, I don’t think either one of them would be able to handle it and my husband has said that if I don’t do the chemo, which in his mind is giving up, then he won’t take his heart pills so that he dies too. I feel so guilty for even considering refusing treatment but I can’t help thinking about it. I know that I wouldn’t just die peacefully one night in my sleep. I know that it would be excruciatingly painful and I would be in absolute agony while my body slowly was taken over by this cancer as each one of my organs slowly gave out. I’ve seen death and I’ve watched my friends die from cancer so there is no romantic vision of me just drifting off to my final sleep. I don’t know what to do. My family has been very good at not pushing their opinions on me so that makes it easier to consider things on my own terms without anyone elses input, and I can be really stubborn so I’m glad that I don’t have people pushing me in whatever direction they want me to go, that would only give me an excuse to refuse everything on principle alone. I think the only way to get through this is to take it one step at a time and pray that I make the right choice for me. I know in my heart that no matter what I say, and however badly I want to just let it happen, I’ll do what the Doctor says and hope that it works. Who knows, maybe it will work and maybe it won’t but I don’t want to be the reason that I die. I don’t want everything that I’ve been through already to be for nothing. I guess I’m answering my own questions as I write it all out. This entire situation just sucks and I hate that I have to do this all again. Wasn’t the first time enough? My Surgeon is going to be calling me on Monday to schedule my mastectomy and five days after that I’m supposed to start chemo. Knowing me I’ll probably bitch about it through the entire process, but I’ll do it. I won’t like it but I’ll do it. I don’t think I could live with myself if I didn’t at least try(no pun intended), although I do think that for me to have to deal with two entirely different major Cancers in one lifetime is a little bit unfair. Rick says that I must have been cruel to small furry animals in a past lifetime to have this all happen to me in this one. I’m not one to say “poor me”, but come on…really?


One thought on “#16 Is it bad to keep changing your mind?

  1. I think it is absolutely normal for you to be having these conflicting feelings about treatments ~especially since you’ve been through it once already. Try not to beat yourself up for going back and forth. The decision you’re making to many may seem simple “do what the doctors say” that’s all well and good ’til you feel what the chemo is doing and look or feel for a body part that isn’t there anymore. It totally seems wrong for you to get and stay sick so often; yeah, ‘it makes you stronger’ but for crying out loud how strong do you need to be? What are you supposed to be getting so very strong for that the rest of us aren’t seemingly getting ready for? You’re really gonna be way ahead of us for something! I love you. I love that you’re sharing, too.
    Hugs, health & happiness

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