#17 A bitter sweet homecommming.


With everything going on in my life there is one thing that makes me feel better…My Jessica will be home for Christmas. Jess moved away to see if she could make a life for herself in Florida a few months ago, and soon after  (when things didn’t go the way she planned) she went to North carolina to stay with her Aunt Rachael. Rachael is in the Army and doesn’t have children of her own yet but she does have three of Jess’s cousins (one of them also has a son now) that she’s been taking care of since they were babies so when Jess needed somewhere to go, Rachael was excited to have her there with her. I think Jess wanted to stay with her because she first of all loves her more that anything and also she looks up to her for the strong woman that she’s been her whole life. Ever since she was little Rachael felt like it was her duty to care for all the kids because their mom was out of the picture most of the time( I won’t get into why), so really she’s been the only “Mother” they’ve ever had. Jess loves being there with her, and Rachael put her into GED classes as soon as Jess arrived in North Carolina and they get along great. I think they are very much alike because Jess and Rachael seem to want the same things in life and they both insist on taking care of whoever needs taking care of no matter what they have to do to accomplish that. I feel really bad that Jess had a life plan in motion and Rachael was able to help guide her in getting to where she wants to be in life, then I found out that I’m in an advanced stage of Breast cancer. I know that Rachael wanted Jess to be self-sufficient and she thinks that I baby Jess, but Rachael was never really close with her own mother so I don’t think she understands that Jess and I actually have a great relationship. When we found out that I would be having surgery and starting chemo at the same time that Rick (Rachael’s brother) is going to be having surgery on his neck right before Christmas I knew that I needed Jess to come home, at least for a while, and Rachael isn’t taking that very well. I think Rachael knows in her heart that we aren’t trying to sabotage their plans for Jess’s future and we had no idea about any of this medical crap when Jess made her plans with Rachael. I just don’t know how to make Rachael feel better about losing Jess right after she got her there with her. I know I need my daughter right now and I’ve arranged for her to fly home in a week but I don’t want Rachael to feel like we used her for a pit stop for Jess because she really was planning on staying there in North Carolina to be with her Aunt. I’m so excited to have my baby girl here with me when I’m sick because although I don’t want to have my daughter see me at my worst I know that she’ll take wonderful care of her dad and I, with the help of many friends and my mother and she’ll be able to go back to high school to finish getting her diploma. I do feel bad for Jess though for having to make the decision to stop her plans to help us but I know she needs us as much as we need her. She’s my mini-me. She’s only 19 years old but she is so strong when it comes to dealing with problems. She’s doesn’t always have all the answers and she still asks me how to do things but no matter what, she figures it out. Maybe it’s selfish on my part to want her here for me but I also think she needs to know that she is doing everything she can to help me get through the treatment so we can all just move on afterwords. I don’t want her to feel guilty if I don’t live through this and she’s in another state…I know she would see it as her fault for not being here. So we have to do what we think is right and pray that Rachael understands. I’m sure that once she thinks about the whole situation a little bit she’ll agree that Jess needs to be home for all that’s about to happen. I’m starting to believe that I’ll be able to get better and that the Dr.s will figure out how to “fix” me. I want the family to know that we are all doing what we think is best for everyone, I still feel bad for Rachael. She’s so far away from us and if I could I would keep us all a little closer. I miss my Jesse so much and I can’t wait to have her here with me. I have no doubt that both Rachael and Jessica will be alright and I know that both of them will be strong for everyone through the next couple of months. I only wish that I wasn’t messing up their plans. I feel so guilty for having to have other people change what they are doing to help me but that is what family is for…to help you through the difficult times, as well as being there to enjoy the good times. I’ll never be able to put into words how much Jessica fills my heart with pride and joy and I also know that I’ll never be able to convince Rachael what a wonderful person she is for all that she’s done for our family. They are really so much alike and I’m extremely proud of both of them for being the strong women they are. Splitting them up was the last thing I ever wanted to do but I don’t have any control over what’s going on lately. I love you Jess, and I love you too Rachael, please try to forgive me for messing this up for you both. I know I didn’t cause myself to be sick but I’m so happy to have you both on my team right now. I need all the strength I can get and the two of you have more strength than anyone I’ve ever known. I’ll try to get better quickly and I won’t forget the sacrifice that everyone has made to see that I’m well taken care of. I just can’t wait to have my baby girl home again.

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