#30 The big question

I had decided a long time ago that I would have chemo so that my husband and the rest of my family wouldn’t think that I was just giving up. I really don’t want to poison myself in the hopes that it might help to give me a few extra months (all of which would wreck my body) but I know in my heart that it would do more harm than good. I hear a lot of stories  from everyone I’ve spoken to about a friend of a friend or someone’s family member who had chemo and they always say that it helped whatever person, but I know that it’s not for me. I never have the same reactions that most people do to medications and I want to have whatever time I have left to be as normal as possible. I don’t want to poison myself in the hopes that I would possibly have more time. I’ve found out that the people who care about me the most don’t want to lose me and they want me to do whatever I can to prolong my life even if it means that I’ll be very sick, easy for people to say when it’s not their body. I just don’t want to spend what time I have left having chemo. Some people actually die from the chemo it’s self. I have no idea when the tumors will pop up so I’ve decided to look into other treatments to try to keep them from coming back but the reality is that it will come back, hopefully not for many years. Most people think that chemo and radiation will “fix” the cancer but that just isn’t true. Some chemo patients actually die right away from the drugs themselves and since I’ve had two different rounds of chemo my body already has damage from the previous treatment making the chance that I would have a bad reaction even greater. I don’t take this decision lightly. I know that whatever decision I make could be the wrong one but again…I feel that refusing chemo and radiation is the right choice for me no matter what everyone else’s opinion on the matter is. I have no desire to die anytime soon and I’ve actually had people ask me if  I have a death wish, but far from it. I want to outlive everyone I know and given the choice I would never choose to have to go through any of this cancer crap, but it is what it is I guess. I’m just trying to do the best I can with what I’ve been given. I feel better today and have the whole day planned out. Mom needs me to help her make heating bags filled with feed corn to sell at the pharmacy we all go to and I also want to dust and vacuum the entire downstairs. I’m just so happy to be getting back to a normal life again, it drove me crazy to have to just sit around while I was healing from the surgery. Thank God for friends that insist on coming over to help with anything that I couldn’t do. I do plan on finding out what treatments I can have, that don’t include chemo, from an oncologist that a friend recommended to me. I’ll be calling her when her office opens this morning. I’m told that she has a great bed-side manner and that means a lot to me. The one I’ve been seeing so far tends to tell me what I need to do instead of asking me what I want and I don’t want someone taking care of me who doesn’t take into consideration what I want. I may only have a few more years left but I think that I should have some say on how I spend it.

2 thoughts on “#30 The big question

  1. I sincerely hope you can find an oncologist that will help you take care of you -mind, body and spirit. I believe that if any of them are lacking, you may not be getting the best treatment options available for you. I know the chemo has been a hot button with the family and friends and must be so hard for you to hear over and over again how you just have to have it. I, however, am going to be on the other side of that fence -come what may from the family. I believe in you and your right to chose your treatment. I do not want you to give up -that goes (almost) without saying. I want you to fight your fight. This is truly one of the toughest decisions I think you’ll ever face, and I believe you have weighed the pros and cons and come up with your decision. I have never had chemo, and I did not see you go through it when you were younger. I do not know how Mom and Dad felt watching and making some hard ass decisions. Nor do I know how the rest of the family felt at the time. What I do know, is that now you have to make the call. Then you have to, “Suck it up, Buttercup!” and tell all those who love you how it will be. I can only say those are honestly some conversations I hope never to have to have; I hate that you have to.
    Believe me when I say, I want you here with us all. But more than that, I want you to be with us able to live, laugh and love without any regrets. I am here for you. I love you.

I would enjoy reading any comments you have, so please leave a reply or any questions!

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