#38 More cutting? Yah, I think so.

When I first found out that I would need to have a mastectomy I thought it would be easy enough to have the reconstruction started at the same time. I was told to go see the plastic surgeon and have him talk to me about what kind of reconstruction I wanted to have and have him find a time on his schedule that coincided with my Breast Surgeon’s schedule because they should be done on the same day and it would be an all day surgery. I thought that having it all done at once would be best for me because then I could recover from both surgeries at once. I’m so happy that I changed my mind. I never did go to the appointment with the plastic surgeon and just went ahead with the mastectomy in December. I think another thing that made me not start reconstruction was the fact that Rick was at that time scheduled for his neck surgery and I wanted to be able to take care of him so I would need to heal as fast as possible. Although Rick’s surgery still hasn’t happened because of all the insurance problems I am so happy with my decision to wait because I did have some problems recovering from the surgery. I couldn’t do even basic things without Rick helping me. My poor Rick has seen me through everything without complaining once about it and I know has taken a toll on him. I’m not a very good patient either because I get very mean when I’m in a lot of pain not to mention the frustration I felt at having to wear a nightgown and pajama bottoms  everyday while the drainage tubes were still in and not being able to even baith myself for the first few weeks. Now since I’m able to take a bath all by myself and have gotten back to doing most of the chores I would normally do I’ve been experimenting with how to handle wearing my normal clothes. I used to wear shorts or jeans, depending on the weather, and a tank-top. I have a closet full of tank-tops. So in the past week I’ve tried different ways to wear a bra, both sports bras and regular bras have had their turn but nothing looks quite right. You would think, or at least I would think that wearing a sports bra would be the most comfortable but they wouldn’t stay where I put them. I was having to adjust it every few minutes to keep my breast from coming out the bottom. I had originally thought that only having one in there would be easier than keeping both in there (I have very large breasts), I was wrong, and I did try different sizes but nothing I tried worked. On to the regular bras. I have mostly the kind that have a thin layer of foam to make sure that it keeps its shape(definitely not to make them any bigger) so I figured that the thin wire in them would hurt me because it would rub me right on my incision site, so on to the ones with the thin foam layer without the wire in it. That one was the most comfortable but because it does have a definite round shape to it I ended up with one side that fit and one side that just kinda collapsed and didn’t look or feel “right” to me. It was comfortable otherwise so I tried to find something to put inside the empty cup side just to keep it from collapsing, not trying to fill it out though. I wanted to find something that would be soft material so that it wouldn’t rub or catch on my incision so I tried a few different things like wash clothes and other small pieces of material. I found a pair of panties that I bought because they were made of very soft material but I never could wear them because they were too small. I didn’t know that when I bought them so I have no clue why I kept them at all, but they did look pretty in my drawer. I took one of the wash clothes and wrapped the pretty panties around it and placed it in the right side of my bra. It worked! Yah, I have two boobs again. I know it didn’t look perfect but unless someone was looking at me knowing that I had just had one of my breasts removed I didn’t think it would be obvious at all. I went downstairs and straight to Rick and asked him how my outfit looked, just like I always do, and he said I looked very pretty and went back to playing his computer game. I told him to look again and it was then that he finally noticed what I had done. A huge smile came across his face. He didn’t even notice the first time he looked so as far as I was concerned…mission accomplished! I went to get started on my house work not giving another thought until a few hours later when I realized that my little invention was not such a great idea. I was starting to have pain under my arm and underneath the bottom of the bra…I had to take it off. I sat down with Rick and asked him what his thoughts were on having the reconstruction started now because as long as it wasn’t bothering me I didn’t want to have anymore surgical changes to my body but now it was bothering me and I want to just be as normal as I can. I don’t want getting dressed everyday to be an issue for me and I also recognize that he has to live with my scars too so I needed his input. I wouldn’t say that I would have reconstruction just because he wanted me to look better, however I do take into consideration what his opinion is. I know he would never say that I should have more surgery just for the aesthetics of it but he would take into consideration how I’m handling it and what would make me feel better about myself. He’s never even seen my body with all the parts I was born with(I had my leg amputated before we met) so I know I can trust his opinion.  Every time I have asked him what he thinks about reconstruction he has always said that I needed to make that decision for myself and that he was fine with whatever I wanted to do. Yesterday after seeing me struggle with trying to just get dressed he said that he thinks I should talk to the plastic surgeon and see what he thinks he can do to help me feel better about my new body. I think Rick is right, I’ll be calling the plastic surgeon monday morning to make an appointment. I’ll be asking him about taking fat from my stomach to build me a new breast. I guess it’s a trade-off, I’ll get a tummy tuck and I’ll have two breasts again, but I’ll also get some new scars. I know that all surgeries are a gamble and that it’s gonna hurt like hell for a while but hopefully this plastic surgeon has a magic wand that he can just tap me on the head with and everything will be just as I want it to be. Maybe after my tummy tuck my pretty panties will actually fit? It could happen.


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