#39 What tomorrow will bring.

Tomorrow is my appointment with the new Oncologist. I did have one that came to see me in the hospital when I was first diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma back in October of 2011, but when I asked him how bad it was he didn’t have anything good to say at all. I asked him how long I would live without chemotherapy and he said “you won’t”. I made it very clear to him that I was not going to allow myself to be a lab rat while trying out different kinds of poisons that he said would only give me a few extra months to live, not years…months. He said that because I’ve already had the chemo that would normally be given to me for my current cancer when I had Osteogenic Sarcoma before that it wouldn’t do anything but cause more damage to my body. I don’t want to die, but the choices I’ve been given so far don’t really make me feel any better about having chemo for the third time. I have a bunch of questions for the new Oncologist so it’s not as though I’m giving up. I do want to find out if there is anything at all that can help me but it’s not looking very promising. For those of you who aren’t sure where I am with this cancer, I’m told that I have IDC, grade 3, stage 4 with hormone levels so low that I would have to be treated as a triple negative. That means that it’s very advanced and very aggressive. I would love to know how to beat this but I’m realizing lately that while getting all my questions about possible treatment answered, I also need to have a plan in place if things aren’t going to get any better. I’ve been Googling like crazy (probably too much) to find answers to some very though questions and have found out that people who are at the end of their life have more choices than they used to have. I’ve been reading about palliative care which is where a whole team of people including Doctors, nurses, psychologists, religious persons,volunteers and whoever else I want would take care of every aspect of whatever things I wanted for myself and my life. In short, they help make it possible to live more comfortably and productively until such time as I was suffering too much and at that point they would have, in writing, what I want them to do for me. I think that the most comforting thing they do is to offer a drug induced coma. I know that they offer different levels of sedation so that people can still be aroused by family members if they want to or it is possible to be put into a deeper coma so that pain relief is sufficient. The entire point of the sedation being to control any suffering while in the last stage of life. Now to be clear…I am not giving up on treatment. I just need to find out what all my options are as far as keeping more tumors from growing back or slowing them down if at all possible. I don’t claim to know what the answers are and that’s why I’m going to this new Oncologist tomorrow. I very much want to outlive everyone I know and I would never purposely do anything that made this whole situation worse. It’s a very thin line that I’m walking and honestly I’m just trying not fall off of it. It’s ironic how chemo is the first thing that people think of when you mention cancer. When I think about chemo I think about how it kills cells, all cells including your immune system. How can your body fix what isn’t working correctly if you have no immune system? So many people with cancer die from other infections after they have no immune system to fight off even simple things like the common cold. I’ve personally had double pneumonia three times in the past few months, so I don’t know how the hell I would be able to fight that off. So many questions and so few answers. I’ll be sure to write a post tomorrow after I speak with this new Oncologist and hopefully I’ll have more positive things to tell everyone. It never seems to amaze me how many people think that I’m not doing what I should do or what they would do but in the end this is my life and nobody elses. I do know that whether I live for another year or thirty more years I will have done everything that I felt was right for me. It may not be what other people think I should have done but I’m ok with that. I never was one who did anything just to please someone else. I am planning on asking the Dr tomorrow to pull out her magic wand and tap me on the head with it, making me all better. We’ll see how that goes.


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