I’m forever being told that I am in that 1% of people who always end up having just one more thing go wrong. Recently I had to go into the emergency room to have a shot of pain meds because I was having pain in my ribs that wasn’t being controlled by the pills that I have at home. I thought that I would be able to go get a pain shot and be sent home. The staff at the hospital was very nice to me and took me straight into an exam room and a doctor came right in within a few minutes of me being put in a gown. I explained everything to her and she said that she had no problem with making me a little bit more comfortable with pain meds so that I could go back home and rest for a while. I thought that I would be done quickly and be able to leave but when the nurse came in to start an IV he looked at my port and said that he couldn’t feel the land marks to see where the needle is supposed to go and he wanted to try to get an IV put into one of the veins in my arm. I freaked out. I don’t have anyplace on my body where an IV can be put in so without the port I’m going to be in a ton of pain. The only thing keeping me sane lately is the fact that I do have a port where the nurses can give me whatever meds I need. I was in a complete panic. I had to be taken to have an x-ray of my chest to see if the port had somehow been turned around although I have no clue how that could even happen. Luckily after the X-ray came back it showed that the port was in the right place and everything was fine so another nurse came in and hooked up the IV to give me the meds that I needed. I was so relieved that they were able to figure it out. Every time I’ve ever had anything done to me medically something has gone wrong, and if the port had been somehow moved or turned around then I was about to have surgery again. I can’t tell you enough how much I don’t want anymore surgery. It’s bad enough that I have to deal with everything that’s going on without having to have another surgeon cut me open and dig around in my body. I don’t want to be that 1%, I’m so sick of being in hospitals, not to mention the aftermath of actually having any kind of surgery. All I want right now is to have as much of a normal life as I can possibly have without anymore pain added to it. I can handle a lot of things, and although I would rather not have to be going through any of this right now I’m doing my best not to let everything get to me. I was very angry when I found out that I had another kind of cancer and confused when I was given the news that the cancer was going to spread no matter what I do but the one thing I can say is that I’ve come to terms with the fact that I don’t have any control over what happens. I think this is one of those time when I have to let go and let God. He’s always taken really good care of me before, and I’ve had to deal with some very rough times. We all need to remember that this is his show and we’re all just doing the best with what he gives us. I do wonder why he has given me so many things to try to get through, but hopefully I’m not letting him down with my choices. It’s extremely difficult to know when to accept things that I don’t like. I would love to make my own path and plan out my own life where I live to be an old lady and live to see my own children have families of their own, but none of us get to plan out our lives and we all have to do the best with what we’re given. I don’t want to cry about what I don’t get to do or experience. So many people get to have everything they want and live their perfect lives but are they really happy? I can say that I have been happy with my family and my life, and I’ve had the gift of having many great people in my life. I’ve done all the things that I wanted to do for the most part, and have had a lot of people cheering me on along the way even though I’ve failed to accomplish everything that I’ve tried, but it was definitely worth the effort. Now, I just want to have a normal life-like everyone else. I still have people trying to get me to keep going to have more tests and surgeries and I totally understand why they want me to do everything that I can to get rid of this cancer but the cancer is going to be cancer. It’s going to grow and do its thing, unfortunately, no matter what I do. I hope and pray that I’ll be around for many more years because I love my life and my family and friends. Miracles do happen, why not now? I still do have some people who continuously try to convince to have more tests and surgeries however I need to get them to let me make my own decisions even though they don’t think that I’m making the “right” decisions. I totally understand that watching other people make choices that you know aren’t the choices you would make are right for that person can make you crazy. It all comes down to what’s “right” for each person. I just don’t want to let anyone down when they think that there is something that could make things better in any way, and I definitely don’t want anyone to think that I’ve given up, because I haven’t given up. I’m simply doing the best I can with what I’ve been given. I want to live like I’ve always lived and for as long as I can. Like I’ve said before, I have cancer but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to die tomorrow or next month or next year. I could still be writing this blog years from now. I just don’t want to torture myself with poisonous chemo drugs in the hopes that it would give me a few extra months, it’s just not worth it to me. I’ve had enough sickness and pain. It hurts me to think that there are people who think that I could do anything to “fix” this. I can’t, and that sucks! I only want to make the most out of what I have without making anything worse, and having more procedures done to my already wrecked body couldn’t possibly make anything any better. I don’t want anymore surgeries because I am in that 1% where if it can go wrong…it will. I’m going to close this post with a prayer that I say often now.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen!