#55 I’m in a better mood now

I had more things on my mind than I can explain yesterday so that’s why I was a little hostile. I had been planning on sending Rick to go to the renascence festival with my best friend Diane and her daughter. It’s always been difficult for me to go with him because I have to go in my wheelchair and the last time we went it rained and I couldn’t manuever through the mud, not to mention it costs a ton of money. It’s something that he loves and I didn’t want him to miss out on a festival that gets bigger and bigger every year, and they do have some really great shows. The last year we went together it was so rainy that I actually got my wheelchair stuck in the mud and it was all Rick and I could do to get me back to the car, I think we were there a total of an hour. We were both covered in mud and soaked to the skin by the time we headed home. Diane doesn’t have anyone else to go with her, she knows how much Rick loves the festival and she doesn’t like to drive the hour and a half to get there, so she asked me if I minded Rick driving with her, I did let them go together one other time because I totally trust them both and it seemed harmless. This time I agreed that it would be alright for Rick to take her because Diane’s boyfriend had to work and the plans were made in advance but something inside me yesterday didn’t like this idea at all. I felt like even though I was invited to go in advance and it’s always a great show, I wouldn’t have a good time and it would ruin the day for Rick. I don’t like to keep Rick from doing things that he wants to do just because of me not feeling well, it just wouldn’t be fair to him. I don’t want to punish him for my having cancer. I don’t know why I suddenly felt like I was being left out when I was clearly invited to go with them. I guess the thought of my husband and my best friend going to an all day festival just didn’t feel right. Now I’m coming to the conclusion that there are going to be a lot of things that I won’t be able to do with Rick and I need to find a way to get over it so that he doesn’t just sit at home and miss out on having a normal life. My mother has suggested that she and I do something together today and I said that I would spend the afternoon with her. I guess that there are going to be a lot of days where I have to except that Rick needs to keep doing things and some of them won’t include me. I would be a selfish person to ask him to just sit around the house with me when I don’t have the energy to do things that he wants to do…and that’s just not the kind of person that I want to be. I’ve told him to go and have a great time, hopefully he will. I’ve been so tired lately that working in my yard isn’t even sounding like fun. I don’t like being left out, but I want to be left alone when I don’t feel well, so it sucks to be me right now. I’m doing the best I can to keep a good attitude but my attitude was never that great to begin with so you can see my dilemma. Hopefully we’ll be finishing one of the lawsuits soon so things will start getting a little bit easier on us and we can focus on doing some upgrades to the house instead of focusing on little things like my insecurities. Rick made the appointment for me to see the cardio-thorasic surgeon  on the 21st so that should be fun, if nothing else, she can give me some more information on where and how far the cancer has spread. I’ve known for a long time but I’m not too sure that I want to know exactly how bad it is. I don’t see how knowing that particular information can make anything any better but apparently it’ll make my family feel better so I’ll go along with it to shut them up. The plans that Rick had made to go to the festival have changed after all and at the last-minute he decided to go with his friend Eddie. I’m just happy that he’s going to get to go so it’s going to work out after all, but I still feel like an ass for saying anything about it.

I usually ask Rick to read my posts before I post them and he felt the need to give his input on this one. He really is a wonderful man.

 Rick’s input……I felt guilty going with my wife’s best friend and leaving her a home. I am glad that her mother and Cindy will go to lunch and a “chick flick” they both want to see. I am not “being punished” I just feel like we are a team and should get through everything (the good and the bad) together. I love my wife for letting me have a “guys day” and hope she has fun with her mom.


2 thoughts on “#55 I’m in a better mood now

  1. Hi, Cindy, I thought something was wrong. I’m glad Rick went with his friend I would have been feeling the same. Why couldn’t your friend take her fella? One thing friends don’t do is go on trips with your best friends hubby while you are at home feeling like fucking shit from Cancer and knowing they are having a good time. Yes Rick can go out as much as he likes with male friends.

    • You make me laugh Ali because you’re right but I have some fault in this too, last time they went together because I insisted that they go without me. I should have just gone but it was all I could do to get dressed .

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