#59 I’m a coward and I need a toybox


Rick is at the surgeon’s office dropping off all of my medical records and scans from the past eight months. Apparently she wants to see everything that I’ve had done before I have my appointment with her tomorrow. I can’t believe that I gave in and agreed to do this, but I think my mother would actually implode if I don’t have these two biopsies in my lungs and sternum to see just exactly what’s going on in there. Even my husband who says that he’ s all for people making their own choices about their body was in on convincing me to do this surgery. He says that I’m doing it only to make my mother happy, however he threw in a few comments of his own when it came to getting me to agree to go to see this doctor, weather or not he realizes that he did that I don’t know for sure. He rescheduled the appointment after I refused to leave the house for the last one he scheduled, and he has been taking all the phone calls and getting all the paperwork sorted out and delivered to the doctor. I wish I wasn’t too old to hide in my toy box so I don’t have to go, but I don’t have a toy box, my kids are both adults now. Maybe I can hide at my brother’s house that day? My nephew has a toy box, but I don’t know how big it is. I spent the whole morning today cleaning my bathrooms and floors so that I didn’t have to go with Rick to drop off the records, and now I’m exhausted and headed for my recliner to work on my crocheting so that I feel like I’m still accomplishing something while I have to be sitting still. I know I’m a little bit too old to be having such a fit about going to the doctor, but in my defense this particular doctor wants to dig around under my ribs. What if she screws up and  breaks something in there. Don’t I have enough to deal with already without putting myself in the hands of someone who wants to cut me open just to get a good look around. I’m usually not such a baby about having surgeries or any other medical procedure, mostly because I’ve had to have so many and I’ve gotten used to it. I just simply don’t want any more! I’m so tired of going to doctor’s offices! I know if I tell this surgeon that I don’t want her to cut me open that she won’t, but I promised my mother I would do these last two biopsies to confirm what I have been told by all the other doctors was cancer running around in there having a little party at my expense. There is a small chance that this surgeon could find that it isn’t as bad as I’ve been told it was, not likely but possible. That’s why my mother wants me to go through more of this surgery crap, I think she still has hope that this could all just simply be fixed and I won’t be the one to tell her that I refuse to find out for sure. I know that going to the appointment and being a “big girl” about it will make my family feel better and there’s always that possibility that afterwords I’ll be glad that I did it. I might end up with more definite answers though, and good or bad it will take away all the guessing. I hate this! I need more M&Ms, I ran out this morning. It’s been raining and hailing here yesterday and last night so it’s cold enough to sit under my throw blanket and watch tv while I try to think about anything else but the evil doctor who wants to hurt me. Maybe I’ll try some hot chocolate to help me to calm down a little. I feel like such a coward for being so afraid of doing these biopsies.

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