#75 An unusual day

Today I agreed to go and see the surgeon to get the results of the last biopsy and I have to say that I don’t wanna go. What is making it worse is that I’ve weened myself down off the methadone and today is the first day that I’m not taking any at all, so I’m irritable as all hell and shaky. I don’t know  how today is going to go but I’ll try not to kill anyone, but I can already tell that I’m going to have a really hard day. I had to get myself off those pills altogether before they caused anymore damage to my brain. I still find myself stuttering and being very tired all day. I have been able to start doing things around my house and I have a friend staying here for a few days to help me get the house looking better. Have you ever just wanted to wish something away? I’m there now. I don’t want cancer anymore. I really thought that I could handle all of the things that I’ve been going through but it’s so hard to have any kind of life when you can’t even drive a car any more. I feel like a burden to everyone and that’s never been the way I’ve lived. I do try really hard to stay in a good mood but it doesn’t always happen. I just can’t help but be angry that I get all the medical fun. My mother has told me several times that if she dug my grave every time a doctor told her I would die she would have dug her way to china by now. I guess she’s right in that respect. It’s happened more than a few times but here I still am kicking and screaming the whole way through everything. Just because I won’t have chemo or radiation that I’m ready to give up. I just think that my body can’t go through all of that again.  I’m planning on doing my best today because I can only plan out one day at a time, otherwise I’d constantly be disappointing myself with things I can’t get done.  I’m trying to look on the bright side but some days there just isn’t one. I guess like every other day I’ll take it one step at a time and just do the best I can. I really don’t think that I can take anymore bad news so this surgeon better have something good to tell me this afternoon. It’s starting to feel like a lot of people are keeping me at a distance , and I do understand why but it still sucks. Today is a loud music day so that I don’t just sit around and watch tv all day. That help sometimes to keep me in a better mood. I’m such a music person when it comes to trying to change my mood. I just hope it helps today.


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