#79 Things people say

For the first time in what feels like forever I was able to go somewhere last night and someone I didn’t expect to be so hateful waited until I was almost back in my house to say something that pissed me off so bad that if she would have stood still long enough I would have  punched her in her big mouth!(not really, but I wanted to) I have been trying to get back to doing normal things again but when you have cancer everything you do can feel like it’s slowly just sucking the life right out of you. I have managed to get my house cleaned up and even washed the laundry and dusted.  I guess that when I went out last night in one hundred and eleven degrees with a wind that made it feel like a blast furnace to get to see my brother’s son have his fourth birthday party at a local pizza place I have to admit that I never expected my own daughter to tell me on the way home that I’m a terrible person for never leaving my house and playing the victim. I’ve been trying so hard to work through all the tired days so that I could get back to doing at least a little bit at a time but she doesn’t live here most of the time so she doesn’t see it. I guess she thinks that I just lay around all day and watch TV because by the time she shows up at my house at night all my moving around is just about done. She has her own apartment but no car yet and my house is right across the street from her work so when she works nights she comes here for a day or two at a time. She had a friend not too long ago that she brought to meet me because he only had one leg and was new to Phoenix, so she wanted me to tell him about doctors he could see. After they left she told me the next day that he had asked her to carry a dish of soup for him and she told him not to play the victim. I asked her what the hell she was thinking and she responded in a way that I didn’t know how to handle. She told me that growing up seeing me do(with one leg walking on crutches) everything I did over the years she never thought of me as having a handicap and that I did so much that she just figured that this teenage friend of her’s could also do anything that I could. I didn’t know if this was a good thing that she didn’t think of me that way or bad because she just overlooked the pain and suffering I went through to be able to do everything that I did. I never wanted my kids to see me as not being able to do whatever I wanted to do, I just do some things in a different way, but where is the empathy? Where is the understanding from this girl who I know saw me cry more than a few times because I couldn’t get something done by myself? I tried to explain to her that anyone who has cancer is having a hard time with being tired and having no energy. She said, “Don’t play the victim”. I was furious. I do give her a lot of slack because at her age kids think they know everything, but she ran upstairs as soon as she came into the house and I haven’t talked to her since. I don’t think anyone else could have made me that angry that quick. Now I can’t help but wonder how many other people think that I’m just playing a victim? Years ago I probably wouldn’t care but this one comment made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Not a good enough mother for not teaching my own daughter that people who have any sort of handicap have different abilities from other handicapped people and people who don’t have any. I was exhausted and in pain when I came home but I guess she didn’t notice that either. I am doing the best that I can every day, and if that isn’t good enough then what is?


12 thoughts on “#79 Things people say

  1. ouch.. boy the people closest too us sure can inflict the sharpest jabs. I’m impressed you went to a birthday party for a 4 year old. That’s exhausting even when you are feeling 100%

    • Susan,
      I wouldn’t usually go to something like a kids party but it was a baby step to getting out again. I went out to breakfast this morning then to my mother’s house for dinner so hopefully I’ll be Ok to go out to do karaoke on my birthday on the first.My daughter brought me M&Ms and and apologized with my mother nudging her a bit. 🙂

    • Susan,
      I used to go to karaoke contests and took first prize so many times they asked me to only enter one a month instead of every week so I miss it a lot. But as with every thing if you don’t use it you lose it and since I haven’t been in so long I don’t know if I can even sing anymore. There’s only one way to find out.My daughter was sincere so I’m happy that she apologized.

  2. Hi Hun, I’ve had days like that with my three girls don’t take it to hart. Surgery was a nightmare, got there 7.30am wire was in at 9am surgery at 2pm. First part was very painfull with mamo and wire. They couldn’t find a vein and boy did I scream which takes a lot for me to do that. Woke in a daze not knowing where I was then the f***ing pain hit me like a train. Five doctors were around me in seconds trying to get morphine in me. I have never felt pain like it I was screaming give me drugs now. I was under for 5 hrs they took all the lymph nodes out so large cut under arm and all the way around the nipple as well. They stopped giving me morphine at 1am this morning and had oxygen till 5am and drip.
    What gets me the nurse wanted to send me home as a day patient in the beginning but my surgeon said keep her in over night.
    I’ve got a drain and some pain killers and I feel a lot better now. I feel pain more than others like you. I was really calm before surgery and they thought I had a pre med.
    Doc said it went very well and she was pleased, so ten days for path report.

    • Damn Ali, I’m so sorry that it was so terrible for you. I just hope you have better pain control now. It does get better but I know oh so well how that doesn’t help when you’re still in pain like that. Some day doctors will be better at dealing with post op pain but probably not until every last one of them has to go through it them selves! Fingers crossed for a nice clean pathology report for you, as well as very quick healing and pain control. Rest as much as you can and try not to stress because I think that just makes it worse.

  3. Cindy,
    I have known you since we were teens (i met Cindy just after her leg amputation, for those who don’t know) and i have told you before… i have MANY times over the years forgotten that you only have one leg…because you have NEVER let that define you. It will NEVER define you.
    I know that Jesse sees that indomitable spirit of yours & she grew up watching you kick ass & take names (& birthdays!) when faced with ANY adversity …so it’s little wonder to me that she would be less than accepting when she sees, in her opinion, someone being less than they can be. I believe that she would never willfully hurt another person…i think, in her way, she was trying to be encouraging to that person to be all they can be and to be self sufficient as she has been taught to be herself and has watched you be despite ANY hurdle or limitation you might face.
    I neither agree with, nor do i condone what she said (to either of you)…however, i would bet that if she could take back those words, she would. I know that Jesse is good person, and an empathetic one. (Under a sometimes gruff exterior…a heart of gold, this kid.) Jesse is to be proud of, she understands the importance of equality & of being understanding & accepting of people who, for whatever reason, are “different” or “differently-abled”.
    Being witness to something we are FRUSTRATINGLY powerless to change, especially when it comes to people we love ( like cancer, or other serious illness, or injury) sometimes brings out the worst in us, or at least not the best. Some handle things better than others. It all depends on what tools one has to work with. She’s got alot of great tools to work with, as does her mama, (no, i’m not talking about your “lil shovel”, you crazy nemesis of weeds) but no matter how many tools ANY of us have, we sometimes hurt the ones we love, right when they need us the most .
    As i write this, i KNOW you have already forgiven her for the hurtful words….but i also KNOW from my own experiences …..that the forgiveness can’t make you forget the sting ….even when the words are not true. For my part, i KNOW am blessed to have met you, to know YOU, & spin around on this crazy-assed rock through space with you, wouldn’t trade a minute & would love a do-over on any i missed. oxoxo

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