For the first time in what feels like forever I was able to go somewhere last night and someone I didn’t expect to be so hateful waited until I was almost back in my house to say something that pissed me off so bad that if she would have stood still long enough I would have punched her in her big mouth!(not really, but I wanted to) I have been trying to get back to doing normal things again but when you have cancer everything you do can feel like it’s slowly just sucking the life right out of you. I have managed to get my house cleaned up and even washed the laundry and dusted. I guess that when I went out last night in one hundred and eleven degrees with a wind that made it feel like a blast furnace to get to see my brother’s son have his fourth birthday party at a local pizza place I have to admit that I never expected my own daughter to tell me on the way home that I’m a terrible person for never leaving my house and playing the victim. I’ve been trying so hard to work through all the tired days so that I could get back to doing at least a little bit at a time but she doesn’t live here most of the time so she doesn’t see it. I guess she thinks that I just lay around all day and watch TV because by the time she shows up at my house at night all my moving around is just about done. She has her own apartment but no car yet and my house is right across the street from her work so when she works nights she comes here for a day or two at a time. She had a friend not too long ago that she brought to meet me because he only had one leg and was new to Phoenix, so she wanted me to tell him about doctors he could see. After they left she told me the next day that he had asked her to carry a dish of soup for him and she told him not to play the victim. I asked her what the hell she was thinking and she responded in a way that I didn’t know how to handle. She told me that growing up seeing me do(with one leg walking on crutches) everything I did over the years she never thought of me as having a handicap and that I did so much that she just figured that this teenage friend of her’s could also do anything that I could. I didn’t know if this was a good thing that she didn’t think of me that way or bad because she just overlooked the pain and suffering I went through to be able to do everything that I did. I never wanted my kids to see me as not being able to do whatever I wanted to do, I just do some things in a different way, but where is the empathy? Where is the understanding from this girl who I know saw me cry more than a few times because I couldn’t get something done by myself? I tried to explain to her that anyone who has cancer is having a hard time with being tired and having no energy. She said, “Don’t play the victim”. I was furious. I do give her a lot of slack because at her age kids think they know everything, but she ran upstairs as soon as she came into the house and I haven’t talked to her since. I don’t think anyone else could have made me that angry that quick. Now I can’t help but wonder how many other people think that I’m just playing a victim? Years ago I probably wouldn’t care but this one comment made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. Not a good enough mother for not teaching my own daughter that people who have any sort of handicap have different abilities from other handicapped people and people who don’t have any. I was exhausted and in pain when I came home but I guess she didn’t notice that either. I am doing the best that I can every day, and if that isn’t good enough then what is?