#100 I never thought I would get here!

I thought this past year would never end. All the doctors and scans and blood tests, and the endless amount of strangers to whom I had to give every bit of my personal information. I really thought it would go on forever, but now I have some time where I don’t have to do anything but what I feel like doing. I can just try to get things back to normal…normal for me anyway. I’m not miraculously cured but I do have a while where I shouldn’t feel too terrible. The fatigue is really the most difficult thing to deal with. I like to plan things out and I like to make lists of what I want to get done. I do tend to make long lists of chores, and in that case it does take me a few days to finish everything. Thank God for Rick! He knows what things are most important to me and if he sees that I’m not able to do a chore he jumps in and does it himself. He never complains about making dinner (which is usually his job), and he doesn’t say a word if he has to do laundry or take care of my plants. He’ll tell me what he’s done and after I thank him for picking up my slack he never mentions it again. He’s just good like that. He goes to the store when I’m not paying attention and comes back with my favorite treats so that he can try to make me happy when I feel like crap, yesterday it was apple pie. In a perfect world everyone would have a Rick. I do try to do things for him too but I don’t always have the energy to do very much. I feel guilty for the stress that is put on him because I’m sick, and I know that he doesn’t agree with the treatment, or lack there of, that I’ve chosen. I woke up today and realized that I don’t feel as bad as I’ve felt for the past few days so I’ll be making my list when I’m done writing this post. I only have one tumor now and although it’s not very big it does make me hungry for anything sweet all the time and it takes up most of my energy. I try to remember that no matter how much energy I feel it will only last about an hour before I’m done for the day. I have noticed that I’m drinking more coffee lately but that doesn’t seem to help very much. I’m hoping that I can build up to doing a little bit more each day, although patience has never been a strong point for me. There are so many things that I miss about my life before breast cancer. Mostly I miss just going to work with Rick and working in my yard. I don’t think I realized how much I loved my life before I didn’t have control over it anymore. Rick and Hollywood tried to get me to do karaoke with them the other day and they insisted that I sing, but after one song I didn’t want to do it anymore. I usually don’t pass up an opportunity to sing with other people here, so I think they were a little surprised when I left the room. Music has always made me feel better so I don’t understand why I didn’t want to sing…I just didn’t. I’ll try to do a little bit of something each day and add more a little at a time and see what happens. It definitely can’t hurt to try. I’ve already had two cups (bowls) of coffee and I’ve been eating M&Ms the whole time I’ve been writing so I should have some energy this morning…maybe enough to sing for a while. I can’t believe that I’ve posted one hundred posts on my blog. I had never even read a blog before I started this one. Thank you Elaine for helping me figure it all out. I would have never been able to start it on my own.


7 thoughts on “#100 I never thought I would get here!

  1. You’re so welcome, Cindy! It’s fun to change the different backgrounds, isn’t it? =0) I never imagined you would blossom this much ~and you’re not done yet, Chickadee! Your spirit and determination astound me while inspiring me all at the same time! I love you so much -be gentle with yourself.

  2. Hi Cindy, 100 posts that’s great and I’ve read them all.
    So glad your feeling better and doing a little of what you want. I finished rads over a week ago and my throat is getting better but my skin is starting to come out in hives.
    I keep getting very angry at things and what people say. I can’t be hearts and flowers anymore, are you the same? My friend says I’ve changed and i don’t take crap as well as I used too.

    Take care Hun

    Alison xx

    • Ali, You don’t have to be anything other than what you are. Having cancer makes you look at everything differently so you’re bound to change while going through all this shit. I glad that you’re done with rads and I hope your healing is fast and pain free. It’s ok to be angry sometimes…just try not to leave evidence. πŸ™‚
      All my love,

  3. Congratz on the 100th!
    Don’t feel guilty, he does it because he loves you and you have all the right in the world to that love!
    That said, I know how you feel. It has taken me a lot of inner work to get to a point where I’m comfortable asking for help with the little things and ‘inner me’ still things I’ve got some work to do πŸ˜‰

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