#101 Don’t read this if you’re in a good mood.

I woke up early this morning and realized that I’m in a really bad mood and I don’t know why. I thought I had gotten over being so angry but the more I try to do things, the more angry I get when I fail. I’m not used to being brought down by physical crap, especially since I’ve lived most of my life only having one leg. I’ve always had to do everything a little bit differently than the average person would do things. I used to do things just to prove that I could. Any time my husband heard someone tell me that I couldn’t do something he would just shake his head and laugh because he knew I was about to do whatever it was just to prove a point. It used to be so much fun for me to prove people wrong. There doesn’t even seem to be enough people for me to let loose on because nobody really gives me any shit anymore. I wonder why? I don’t know if it’s worse to have everyone asking me endless questions, most of which are offensive to me anyway, or to have everyone I know ignoring the fact that I’m sick. I really actually feel sick today so maybe that’s why I’m in such a shitty mood. My ribs hurt like hell and they’ve been hurting for a few months now. The PET scan showed a tumor but not in my ribs so I’m having a bone scan done in a week or so. There are bone mets that don’t always show up on PET scans so I’m going back to the same Imaging place to have the bone scan. This all just sucks. I don’t have anything that I can do that won’t hurt me. I can’t go for a walk because it’s too hot even early in the morning and I have a hard time going swimming now because it’s a bitch to get myself out. Yesterday I pulled something in my shoulder and arm(right where “it” is) just by getting into my wheelchair. I’m sure that everyone already knows that I hate for anyone to have to help me do anything. I need to be able to do things on my own. I even had my wheelchair built without handles so people would stop grabbing my chair wanting to push me. If someone else is doing all the work for then what’s the sense in doing it at all? It’s not often that I’m just angry at everything and everyone but today seems to be starting out just that way. Nothing was different today but me, so I know that nobody made me this way. Yesterday I sang two songs and was completely wiped out. I sat in the recliner for hours trying to work up enough strength to sing more but I never did, and I ended up going to bed early. I’m so pissed off at what’s happening to me and I don’t know what to do with that. So… I thought that if I put it all here then I might be able to let go of some of it. So far it didn’t work but I’ll wait and see what happens.


8 thoughts on “#101 Don’t read this if you’re in a good mood.

  1. Cindy, this Cancer sucks big time and I don’t know how you have held it together so bloody long. I throw plates, vases and scream a lot. We have good days and f****ing bad days but Cindy we are still here so let’s Party when we can and cry when we can’t.

    Love and hugs


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