#119 Nope…not better yet


I haven’t written any posts for a few days because I didn’t have anything nice to say. I woke up this morning and was in such a shitty mood that poor Rick got dressed and left to run to the store, but not until after I completely unloaded on him for every little thing I could think of to yell at him about. I did apologize to him when he came back and we had a long talk about how I’ve been feeling like everything is just piling up and I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. Every time I try to fix anything something else goes wrong. If it were small things it wouldn’t be so bad, but the things that are wrecking me are big things. I’m worried about fixing the house and although we did manage to get the pool fixed it cost way more than we were prepared for so we still have to pay a few hundred more on that, the car needs an eight hundred-dollar repair before the tags are up in December, we have to pay for all of Rick’s heart pills because the insurance company dropped him and we still don’t know what’s going to happen with his neck surgery. Now for the icing on the cake…My cancer is starting to really take a huge tole on me. I can be fine one minute and then the next minute I feel like I’m just going to drop. There isn’t anything that makes me feel better anymore, and the emotional breakdowns are getting worse than they’ve ever been. I keep trying to plan to do things with my friends and family and then when it’s time to go I can’t even get up enough energy up to go anywhere. The past few days I haven’t even been able to get into our office to write a post, not that I had anything much to say anyway. I know that when I started this blog I said that it was going to be not only the good things, but also the bad things, so although I hate to tell the world my problems that’s exactly what I plan on doing. I want to write about all of my life not just the good parts and anyone who doesn’t like it can bite me! Cancer isn’t pretty and you can’t always have some chicken soup and make it all better. I wish that I knew how to at least try to have a better attitude but the only thing I can think to do right now is to take a sleeping pill and go to bed, hopefully I’ll wake up feeling much better than I did this morning. I just feel like the world is caving in on me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I did find out that the bone scan that I had last week didn’t find any cancer in my bones, so that’s good news. I just want to feel normal again. There are probably a few more things bothering me that I’m not even thinking about right now, all I can do now is try to get myself in a better state of mind. I just don’t know how to get there.

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6 thoughts on “#119 Nope…not better yet

  1. Cindy, I know what your going through with the ups and downs ( mood swings) I have hit the menopause big time and have every SE going. I am so angry I am shaking then I’m in tears then I’m happy.
    This week I bit the head of the workman in my house he must have thought I was mad.
    Friends and family tell me to calm down which makes me worse. Tamoxifen is making me worse and my onc says stop taking it for a month. Just to see if my SE get better but DH has just told me a friends wife who was my stage has her cancer back after two years and also in the liver. So know I’m shit scared thinking I can’t stop the Tamoxifen through fear.
    So are these SE from the Menopause or Tamoxifen?

    All I know is I’ll either be banged up for murdering my family or road rage.

    Big hug Cindy I wish I knew what we could do.

    • Ali,
      I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having so many SEs, I know sometimes it’s too overwhelming but you have to do what you think is best. If you believe that you need to keep taking it then you’ll have to deal with the SEs. If you just can’t stand to take it anymore then that’s your choice. It’s never an easy one and I know there is way more going on than what you’re saying on here. I truly hope that you are able to figure it out so that you can be at peace with your treatments. Just try not to kill your family, I know that’s easier said than done. πŸ™‚
      All my love to you my friend, cin

  2. It is good that Rick is there to sit with you and let you vent and sort. This tidal wave of money issues and the underlying stress makes my blood pressure rise just reading it. As always, best wishes and prayers with you on your day to day journey.

    Gary

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