#124 I would rather be ALONE!


Just when In think I could tell the future by knowing how everything has been going…today is different. I like to think that by now nothing will ever be able to surprise me again and that I can just sit back and kind of watch everything unfold. Today was going as planned and everyone was going about their own business just like they always do and out of nowhere I get a huge shock. I’m just so damn used to everyone I know making a big deal about me having breast cancer and trying to do or say whatever they think is needed for me to feel any better. I’m not complaining about that, in fact it makes me feel like I’m still here and part of everyone’s thoughts  and lives even if I can’t get out to do much anymore. I was so focused on myself, like I have been a lot lately, that I never thought that anyone that I know would have anything near as terrible as I do to try to get through anytime soon. I do have many friends now who are going through some stage of having breast cancer. Some were diagnosed early in their disease, some not so early and some like me who have advanced breast cancer. I talk to my breast cancer friends every day and we help each other get through whatever is going on that day…but today is different. I know that women with breast cancer can be also having to deal with a plethora of family issues, money problems, side effects from whatever treatments they’re having, so we talk and sometimes laugh…but today is different. I try to be a good friend and make people laugh as much as I can and sometimes I find myself laughing at whatever I’m writing, but today is different. Today I found out that someone who I consider to be a dear friend had a problem that she had to get through without me. I don’t have permission to give her name yet but my friend told me today that she’s been trying to reach me for days because this friend of mine who also has breast cancer now has to learn to live without her leg. I probably could have heard anything else and thought about it for a few minutes and then proceeded to give her whatever support she needed and made a joke and moved on…but this hits a little too close to home for me to be making jokes just yet. It does not in any way make me feel sorry for myself, it does however make me want to take away any issues that she has right now and make her all better. I hate it when people hurt and this pain isn’t just a physical one, it can be a very emotional one as well and takes some getting used to. I know that she reads my blog and until and if she gives me permission to say what her name is I won’t be doing that. I needed to clear my head about this and put some thought into what would be all the right things to say to her to in any way make her ‘new normal’ any easier for her to deal with. I had a friend myself who only had one leg when I lost mine so he was able to teach me how to do everything that I wanted to do, just in a different way. I feel like I need to do whatever I can to help her feel like everything is OK, and that she can and will be able to still feel good about herself and enjoy life to the fullest. I had a few rough patches and still sometimes do find myself getting sick of having to go through life on one leg. If I could fix it so that nobody else in the world ever had to wake up without their leg, or arm, or whatever… I would, without a second thought! I manage to still do whatever I want to do, although these days it all depends on how tired I am from my breast cancer kicking my butt. I just wish that when it came to only having one leg, even if I still had to be this way, that I was all alone.

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4 thoughts on “#124 I would rather be ALONE!

  1. Ugh, so sorry about your friend. It does hit close to home, really close. 😦 Well I know you’ll be a great source of support and information for her. How are you feeling today? Hope the sun is out there (isn’t it always?) 🙂

    • J,
      I felt great when I woke up this morning but I was really tired by lunch time and I’ve started getting pain in my shoulder and arm. I’m hoping that I just moved wrong and tomorrow it’ll be all better. I’m supposed to go out front early tomorrow morning with my neighbor friend and pull some sneaky weeds that popped up when I wasn’t looking. In general I just feel very tired…not as bad as I have before though so I’m trying to look on the bright side.:)
      cin

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