My take on life is most likely not what everyone else sees. Things that used to be very important to me are way back in the background, and different things are up front now. First lets take my morning routine. I wake up a little later now than I used to because I get up every few hours throughout the night. After each four-hour ‘nap’ I try to do one or two things that I would have before waited for the afternoon to get working on. Then there’s sleep its self. I have to take pills for this that and the other(right now I have pneumonia again) that usually makes me a little sleepy so the four-hour sleep thing actually works out fine. I would have thought that only sleeping in four-hour intervals would make me tired all the time, but it gives me a little bit of time after each four hours to do a few things. This morning I woke up and had a cup of coffee and read a few pages of my book and decided that I might have enough energy left to knock out a quick post.
I know I’ll have to write it quickly because I’m already getting tired, hopefully the coffee will help with that so that I can stay up a while longer. I have my M&Ms too so one more cup of coffee and I’ll be fine . I have a friend who I haven’t seen in a few months that showed up a few days ago and wanted to know if it was all right if she came to stay with me for a while to help with all of the housework and to keep me company. It’s nice to have people come over to see what they can do to help us out. We need help all the time so we have friends coming and going throughout the days. Some just come to keep me company and those are the ones who can’t help with any other needs. I think that kind of help is so precious. I’m not one who normally likes to have a lot of people around the house because I’m embarrassed that my house isn’t always clean anymore. That doesn’t seem important these days. I told her that she’s welcome to come and help out for a while. She should be here sometime today.
Then we have the bills. I can’t ever find the words to convey how embarrassing it is to have to admit that we can’t make ends meet anymore. I’ve always hated having to admit that we need help but I’m putting my pride away and asking for help in different ways. First we just signed up for state services for food and health insurance for Rick, he needs to be able to keep taking care of his heart. He went for over a week without taking his heart pills and never told me because he knew we had no way to come up with enough money to pay for his meds. We now have decided that we can’t just go without some things.
I’m setting up a way for people to help us financially if they want to. I think Elaine is working on a way for people to help in different ways. Some want to mail a check and some want to pay bills directly, and some just want to send cash or a money order. Elaine will make sure that if you want to help financially then it will be excepted in whatever form you wish. I think that letting people send us money is right up there at the top of embarrassing/humiliating. I’ve come to accept that it’s alright for me to say when we need help, and boy do we need help! Like I’ve said before we have helped so many other families when we were able to over the years and I wish I knew how hard it was for the people we were helping. I always just figured that they were happy to have some financial relief and that was the end of it. Well, that is so not the end of it. I remember feeling so happy about giving people whatever they needed, but I think that now its my time to learn how other people feel about having to except charity. Thank God we’ve never had or used credit cards, I don’t like to make payments on things, so if we didn’t have the cash to purchase anything we just saved up for things.
I think that I missed this entire Christmas season because I did everything but hide in my bed to stay away from people. I wanted my family to have a good time, but I think that I could have helped to make it a better holiday, even without any money. I know that my mood swings are coming from all the meds and the pain I’m going through. I’m so used to having a lot of pain but this is way more than what I’ve ever had to deal with…and it’s only going to get worse. I did finally get my mother to agree to take me to make my final arrangements while I’m able to have a say in everything. Of course I have a long time to go yet but I didn’t want to wait until I can’t go with the family to choose what I want. Rick and mom need to make theirs as well. I don’t think that anyone should wait until their too sick to go and have a say in their own final wishes.
I might think about things differently now but it’s only because I don’t want all the difficult things left for other people to take care of. My muscles are all very stiff when I wake up…every time I wake up, but then it gets a little better as I get up and move around a little bit. I get very excited when I’m able to finish any chore on my own, and I make sure that everyone in the house at the time knows that I accomplished something on my own. Here is a recent pic that was taken just hours before my sister Elaine left to go back go back to NC.: