I ended up spending past week or so in the Hospice inpatient center because I was having too much pain to handle at home. They were so great to me and the doctors and nurses helped me to find enough comfort from the pain that now I think I’ll be able to stay home even when I’m having a hard time managing all the physical problems. I had told them that I didn’t want to have any medical equipment at home but I think I would rather have a few things here instead of needing to stay inpatient if I don’t absolutely have to. I’m still getting used to being back at home and I’ve been sleeping a lot and eating like I’ve never eaten before. I guess one of my new meds makes me really hungry all the time and of course I usually only want anything sweet. I think I’ve gained back ten pounds or maybe more but I really don’t care as long as I can get back to having some sort of the normal life I had before all this cancer crap started up again. It could be a lot worse and I’m very grateful for everyone who has been checking up on me although I don’t usually speak to anyone myself because I’m still very tired from all the new meds. I think it’s going to get better as I get used to takeing them and I will be able to do more but I’m definitely not pushing myself to get back into the swing of things too fast. I want to give myself time to get used to the new normal so that I don’t make things worse for myself. Rick and Jesse have found a two-week old kitten that some kids dropped off at Jesse’s work and they are bottle feeding it kitten formula every three hours, it’s too cute but I don’t have any interest in taking care of a tiny baby kitten. I hope it gets bigger fast so that we can try to find someone who will want to keep it forever. Not many people are willing to put this much effort into caring for a kitten so I’m OK with Rick and Jesse giving it a shot to get older and healthy enough to be adopted. They both say that they want to keep it forever but our other two grown cats don’t like it because it’s very noisy and so small that it scares them. Our dog won’t even get close to it. He’s scared of it too I guess. I wouldn’t drop it at a shelter because they would just put it to sleep and if we can try to help it I think we should. I think having this new baby in the house is changing the mood around here and keeping the subject of me all the time, I love that part. I’ve had my breakfast and fed the kitty so I’m going to try to crochet for a little while until Rick gets up and then I’ll go see if I can spend just a few minutes out back with my weeds. I miss doing things outside. Just sitting around makes me feel useless and that gives me more time to think about how bad I feel so I really do need to get back to doing at least a little at a time. Now would be a great time for M&Ms to just find their way to my house. The caffeine and sugar in them really do make me have more energy and put me in a much better mood. I still say that they are going to be my cancer cure. I havent found anything else that has the same effect on how I feel without taking more meds, and they just taste so darn good. I think I may have an addiction to them but if you’re gonna have an addiction then I say” bring on the chocolate”!
I know that I’m supposed to feel a little discomfort…but this really sucks! I keep forgetting that I still have tubes in me and reaching for things and pulling at these damn tubes. Even if I just flex a muscle to move my arm it feels like I’ve pulled the tubes out and ripped the skin off. I know that by the time I get used to having them there it’ll be time to get them taken out though so I’m trying to just deal with it for now. Easier said than done. I want so badly to just fill my tub with hot water and soak in it until I feel better but apparently that would be bad, not to mention I still haven’t made the trek upstairs to even see my tub yet. I’m sure it’s still there and wondering where I am, how lonely my poor tub must be. I could curl up on my couch and see how many M&Ms I could eat but I don’t feel much like eating chocolate today…I know, that sounds terrible but it just doesn’t sound very good at all. I do have a huge tub of cookies that my mother sent over to me but that doesn’t sound good today either.
I think Cali (my cat) knows that I don’t feel good because she walks up and lays on my every time I sit still long enough. She has been trying to check out all the bandages and looks confused when I move her to the side that doesn’t hurt. She follows me from room to room and waits for me to sit still and as soon as I do she tries to find somewhere to sit on me. I feel bad for moving her all the time but she seems to go straight for the parts that hurt and lays down. Bob (our Pom) doesn’t seem to know that anything is wrong at all. He wants to jump around on me and play not noticing that I’m hurting. As long as he gets his food and someone pets him and talks to him all is right with the world. I think cats are more sensitive to how people feel than dogs are but don’t tell the dogs that. If I could take Cali to the hospital with me I think I would heal faster, I know I missed her really badly when I was away. I asked Rick to smuggle her in to me but he said no. Oh well, I know she’s here waiting for me when I come home. And even though Rick says he doesn’t love Cali I catch him talking to her when he thinks I can’t hear him and he gets up and feeds her if he’s up before I am so I know he has a soft spot for her. I’ve been told that our pets are spoiled but really they spoil us so it all evens out. I think today is gonna go by very slow just because I don’t have anything to do. I suppose it would be worse if I had a bunch of things I had to do so I shouldn’t complain about having nothing to do…but I know I will.