Tag Archive | doctor appointments

#144 I’m about to lose my mind!

I’m still really sick from changing my pain meds and I’ve been trying to sleep as much as I could, but I keep waking up every two hours in pain. I know that I’ll be better soon but when you’re in this much pain it’s really difficult to be patient about it. Rick and Mom took care of Thanksgiving and I pretty much just tried to stay out-of-the-way. I guess it’s better than last year when they had to bring me dinner in the hospital. I’m trying to look on the bright side…but it isn’t very easy right now. I’m so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I feel like I can’t do a damn thing anymore without having to pay for it for days afterwords. I wanted so badly to have the house looking nice for my family to come here for Thanksgiving  dinner, and I didn’t do that much, at least not enough to put me in the shape I’ve been in since then. My whole body hurts, and I know that some of that is from switching my meds, but just for one day I would like to feel healthy.


I was looking forward to getting the last check from worker’s comp so we could pay for the bills far enough ahead for Rick to start getting a paycheck. Because Rick had been released to go back to work we expected a final check from worker’s comp, but it was nowhere near what we thought it would be. I honestly have no clue how we’re going to get through the next month. Rick is out right now trying to find a job that he can manage without hurting himself anymore than he already has, but we didn’t know that he was going to be cut off like he was. On the bright side, now we can settle the claim for the personal injury, and hopefully it will at least cover all the bills. I’m not even thinking about buying Christmas presents anymore. I’m more concerned with just getting by. I don’t even have the heart to put up the tree. I had planned to put it up days ago, but I could barely move so I figured I would just wait until I was feeling better. So much for feeling better.


I know Rick will get hired on quickly with all the experience he has under his belt. I just can’t believe that all this shit happens to us. I’m starting to feel like the universe has it out for me. With any luck at all we might get the settlement money from the accident before Christmas. But with our luck the attorney’s fees will be more than the settlement. Just another case of truth being stranger than fiction. Rick told me not to worry and that everything would work out fine, but at this point I’m having a really hard time not worrying. I probably shouldn’t have put all of this in my blog, but I’m stressing about it and this is how I process everything. I hope nobody reading this was looking for a happy post.


I just found out about the worker’s comp check (or lack there of) so maybe I’ll be in a better mood later, but right now I don’t think I could take anymore bad news. I’m all out of sunshine! I think that considering my situation I need and upside down pink tree…it seems so appropriate.





#143 Yep, I’m still here

Even though Rick has been in a tizzy about getting his pc to work again I really didn’t want to miss out on my morning posts, luckily my lovely daughter suggested that I use the laptop that we gave her last year for Christmas to be able to write my posts with. Jesse can be a huge pain in the ass sometimes, but she also is the single most kind and generous person I’ve ever known. When we bought her this laptop we also bought two others for Justin and Ashley. And because we aren’t rich, we went to a reconditioned laptop store and were able to get all three, with new cases for less that we would have paid for one brand new one. All three kids were happy though because we had been telling them that there might not be any presents under the tree at all because we were hurting so badly financially. Rick would sell a kidney to be able to give our kids what they want for Christmas, but as they get older the presents seem to get more expensive…go figure.

So this year Rick and my mother want to have the holiday family get-together at our house. I tried to get out of it because I would have to go over my house with a fine tooth comb just so that I’m not embarrassed to have family here. Don’t get me wrong, they would probably not give a shit what my house looked like…it’s all me. I did manage to get the entire downstairs cleaned to my satisfaction, and then I spent the whole day yesterday trying to nurse the pain I had caused myself by doing things like reaching up with a swiffer duster while standing on one leg with nothing to hold on to just to clean my ceiling fan. Every time I touched the damn thing it started spinning around. Jesse and her best friend were told that they had to clean Jesse’s bathroom and the downstairs bathroom before I would give them the car keys to take all their friends skating. I still have to do a little more on the bathroom that Jesse ‘cleaned’,but at least she tried. She hates to clean.

This morning when the pharmacy opens I have to go and pick up my new meds. I haven’t taken this particular kind in years, but I do remember that one of the reasons that I didn’t want to keep taking them before was because they gave me way too much energy. Rick would have to demand that I sit in the recliner and take a break after six straight hours of doing chores. Now with as much as I need more energy just to do simple things, I’m hoping that it will work better for me this time. I do remember that it worked great for pain though so I can’t wait to see what happens.

Rick also told me yesterday that he wants to put up our Christmas tree today. I guess he wanted to have the house decorated before the family comes over. Last year he didn’t help at all, Diane and I had to do it ourselves while Rick watched TV pr played his games. To be honest I really don’t remember because I had my hands full of lights that someone had just thrown into a box. I am curious to see what decorations we have left. Every year more seem to hit the void. My favorites are the ones that my kids made for me when they were just old enough to be able to write their own names on them. I think everyone I know has at least one tiny little popsicle stick snow sled with glitter on it, and a red ribbon to hold it to a tree branch.
So today while Rick starts digging out all the Christmas decorations, I’ll be sitting in the middle of them all trying to figure out which lights are still in good working condition.  I’ll gently pick out the broken balls ans play where’s waldo to find enough extension cords to be able to plug everything in. I really don’t enjoy the process…but I love having the tree all lit up in the evenings leading up to Christmas. I also have a green and white wreath that hangs on my front door, this is the closest one to mine that I could find a picture of…except that my front doors are white so it looks really pretty. Happy holidays everyone. cin

#141 Canceling Christmas? I hope not


I never have been one to make a big deal about Christmas…but Rick waits all year for it so I try to go along with whatever he wants to do. We did get some very exciting news yesterday that is going to make the holidays much happier for my family. We didn’t win the lottery or anything like that, but we did find out that our lives are about to start getting back to normal if all goes well from here on out. After Rick was hit by a car while unloading his truck at work we had to get a lot of lawyers involved. Three different firms have been helping with getting him the compensation that he deserves, as well as all the medical treatments that he’s had to have for the past few years. A few days ago we found out that worker’s comp wanted him to go back to work and they also agreed that he has a permanent partial disability that will limit what kind of work he’ll be able to do for the rest of his life. I know that I mentioned in an earlier post that Rick thought he might like to go back to working in management of a telemarketing company, and he also wants to work some place where he can put to good use all the experience that he has from being in a truck. Now he’s able to start actually going on interviews. Yesterday his own Dr agreed that Rick is able to start working again, as long as he starts off only working part-time with limitations. We were told that for the first six months he’ll have to also go to physical therapy and have massage therapy to help with the pain of getting used to a work setting. What was funny was that both when the nurse walked in, and then also when the Dr came in, they both came straight to me, took my hand, and asked how I was doing. Rick finally said something after the Dr did it too. Sorry babe, but I’m just more important. jk 😉


We really thought that this was going to be a very sad Christmas because we simply won’t have any way to go and get any gifts for our kids…let alone all the rest of the family and friends that we would normally get a gift for. It’s not that we ever were rich, far from it, but we always managed to find a way to give a little something to everyone. The year before last my mother and I spent two weeks straight baking every kind of cookie we could think of for the family, and everyone else we could think of also received a nice dish of assorted goodies. Chocolate dipped pretzels were the easiest to make so I loved doing those. Mom likes to make candy so we also had a few hundred home-made peanut butter cups…a lot of those ended up at my house because they’re Rick’s favorite. But, last year we didn’t have enough money to buy all the ingredients to make as much as the year before, not to mention that I spent most of November and December in the hospital having surgeries, so I couldn’t help mom bake. I was released from the hospital after my mastectomy late on Christmas day. I missed all the good stuff. Rick did bring me a tiny little Christmas tree in the hospital with a few of my gifts from the family to put under the tree, so I know that I wasn’t forgotten…but it’s never the same as being home with the family. The nurses wanted to know if he had a single brother.


I doubt that I’ll be able to do much, if any, shopping this year, but I do have the knowledge that everything can and will start getting back to normal. I don’t have a clue how long we’ll have to wait for the lawyers to finish with all the final details, it usually takes another six months to find out what the end result will be. But in the mean time, Rick can get back to having somewhat of a normal life again. I love having the house to myself when he’s working, and I know that working makes him feel so much better about himself. None of this was in any way his fault, and I feel bad for him that he’s had to go through any of it. So this year Christmas, although it won’t be back to normal just yet, will be a time when we can at least be happy about life again. All the endless medical crap with both of us has definitely taken a huge toll on all of us, but now we have something to look forward to again. It’s been a long time since I could think about anything in the future and he happy about it. This year we have a Grand Daughter coming, Rick will be working again, and hopefully in a few months we can start slowly paying back all the family that’s been helping us, and if we play our cards right we might even be able to find a few small gifts for under the Christmas tree. This is the one that Rick wants to put up this year. He thinks that he can cut a branch of of out front patio tree and put his favorite little blue ball on it too. For the past twenty five years Rick has managed to hide a blue ball somewhere on the tree, no matter what colors I use for the rest of the decorations. He says it’s ‘special” to him. I think it’s funny.


Justin and Ashley made it to NC, where Rick’s little sister lives, and they’ll be staying there with her for a little while so that they can find new jobs and save enough money to get their own place after the baby comes. I do wish they had moved back to Arizona, but I know that they will be in good hands with Rachael. She always has done her best to help out all of her nieces and nephews when she could. She takes after her father in that way and many others. He was a great man. Rick is hoping that we’ll be able to go and see our Grand Daughter when she’s born, but I don’t know if we’ll be able to just yet. Like I said, it could be a very long time before we see a penny from him being hurt. But at least we know that this whole bull shit legal thing will be over soon. I just hope that I’m feeling well enough to travel that far. I walked a long way yesterday on my crutches to Rick’s Dr and now I’m paying for it this morning….but it was a well wort it trip.

#140 I’m healed? Ah…NO!

So, yesterday afternoon I was out side on the patio talking to Rick about his appointment Thursday with the lawyers, and I asked him what the date was. I never do know what day of the week it is and most of the time I can’t remember what day of the month it is either. He told me the date and I suddenly remembered that I had something to do. I looked in my purse for any appointment cards and found on from my pain center with a time of 1:45 yesterday afternoon. I called my mom and asked her to take me, because my car needs to have repairs done, which I can’t afford right now, and she made sure that I was there on time. Thank God for mom. I waited longer than usual in the exam room for the PA to come in, but I didn’t mind because he always spends a lot of time talking to me so I just figured that he was talking to someone else(I could hear him in the next room) and he would be in as soon as he could. When he came in he sat next to me and said “How are you doing?” I said “shitty,how about you?” He said the same thing, “shitty”. He wanted to know why I wasn’t doing well and I told him about how I thought that I was starting to have problems in my arm. I did have a lot of lymph nodes taken out when I had my breast amputated (I think the word mastectomy doesn’t do it justice), twenty-eight the last time and eight the first time. Even one being taken out can cause you to have a lot of pain and swelling in your arm. I haven’t had any trouble with it in this past year so I’m not convinced that it isn’t the tumor in my arm pit pushing on things that are causing pain all the way into my hand.


I watched for any swelling or anything like this before, but I never saw anything.  And, I’ve usually been able to get relief from the pain pills after I healed from each surgery. I’m a little worried that this is only the beginning of the problems with my arm.  Anyway, the PA wanted to change my meds(which he does every so often) and scribbled for a while on some paper, trying to figure out the correct amount of the other pain meds to equal what I was already on. I would have needed a calculator for all those math problems. After a while he gave up and went to go to the back office to speak to my Dr and ask him what he thought should be written. When the PA came back he was laughing. I asked him what was going on and he,still laughing, said that some Dr had called my Dr and told him that I didn’t have breast cancer…that he thought that it was a misdiagnosis. I wish I was a fly on the wall for that conversation.


When I was first diagnosed and still had all the tumors in my body I had to be admitted to the hospital for pain. I insisted after almost a week that they call in my own pain Dr because he already knew me and I trusted him. They refused until I started screaming in pain, and I also sent my husband across the street to the Dr’s office to tell him personally that I needed him and why. My own Dr showed up in my hospital room at about eight pm when he was on his way home for the night. When he came in he sat down held my hand and put his head in my lap and cried. He told me that no matter what happens he’ll be there to see me through this. I believed him then and I still believe in him now. He chewed out the hospital staff and changed the meds I was on and I was able to go home two days later. If he hadn’t come in to help me I don’t know how long I would have been there. I don’t have a clue what Dr would have called him unless it was the Medical Director at the hospice that I was in a few months ago who wanted me to have more scans and tests to prove what my prognosis was after I had my surgery. They do have to make sure that you qualify to be in hospice so I know why they wanted more proof. But, if they would have told me at the time what they were looking for I could have had the reports from the Cardio Thoracic surgeon and the pathology reports sent to them. I didn’t know then that they didn’t have everything.


I haven’t seen an Oncologist for about eight months now because I didn’t have any reason to go to one. I wasn’t having chemo and I didn’t know that I would need to be continually getting tested for something that doesn’t go away on its own. I made all of my choices clear to all my Dr.s and I figured that they would all talk to each other when they needed information. Anyway, my own Dr knew better than to believe that it was all a mistake and thought that the one who had called him and told him that it was all a misunderstanding was an idiot. I’m very glad now that I insisted on having my own Dr come to the hospital because he saw for himself that there was no mistake and that I simply wasn’t going along with all the usual treatments for IDC. Some people (including Dr.s) think if I’m not doing chemo and radiation that I must not have cancer. It only it were. I did ask my PCP to get me a referral for another Oncologist so that there wouldn’t be anymore questions about my prognosis. Just incase I need proof from now on. So now I start the new meds next week, I know that I’ve taken them before but I don’t remember if I had any problems with taking them. Hopefully it’ll help me without giving me any more issues to deal with.

#139 I just found out

I’ve been waiting, and not patiently I might add, to find out what my grandchild is going to be, and I just got off the phone with my son and his fiance. It’s a little girl! YAY!! 🙂 I had a feeling that it was a girl, but I didn’t want to tell everyone that and then be wrong. I figured that I would just wait and see. I love the idea of having a baby girl in the family. I do think that boys are easier to take care of, but it’s more fun to shop for a little girl. I was also told that the baby is to have my middle name, which I think is wonderful. Rose was the middle name of not just me, but also my great-grandmother, my aunt, my cousin’s little girl and probably a few more people on my dad’s side of my family that I’m not remembering right now. I don’t know for sure how the first name will be spelled so I won’t try to spell it because I don’t want to get in trouble for doing that. I have a feeling that this baby will have two wonderful parents tripping over themselves to make her happy…always a good thing in my book. Congratulations Justin and Ashley. 🙂

Rick has started making sugar cookies for us. Not for the holidays, just to snack on. I can’t remember a time in his life when he made cookies. I’m always the one who does all the baking, and every once in a while he would help me out a little, but for him to suddenly start baking took me by surprise. For his first attempt he did very well. I think they were as good, if not better, than the ones my mother and I make every year around Christmas. It can be very tricky to have a sugar cookie come out well. They weren’t dry and were perfectly baked( I did help with baking them), and I have to admit that I did eat most of them when he wasn’t looking. He wants to make another batch today, he wanted to do it last night but I talked him into waiting until the kitchen was cleaned so that he didn’t end up with a huge mess right before bedtime. I guess I’ll have to get up soon and start getting the kitchen ready for him to play in. He does have a habit of leaving flour trails every time he does anything where flour is involved in one of his kitchen projects.


I do have a few chores that I plan on tackling, and I’ve had my coffee and M&Ms already. My mom bought me a sharing size bag of M&Ms, but I have no intention of sharing them. I’ll share anything else in the world…but I can’t give up my sugar. I swear sugar is an addiction, probably one of the best kind of addictions for someone to have. I still have to call Jesse’s Dr to find out why he didn’t call in her meds yesterday, her throat is still healing very slowly so she still has some infection in there that needs continued antibiotics. I really hope that having the surgery will keep her from ever having anymore infections. I think she’s had enough of them to last her a lifetime.

It’s very quiet in the house this morning, so I’m enjoying it very much. So far today I’ve only seen Rick and the animals, Jess and Abraham are still sleeping. He’s the little boy that she’s been co-raising ever since he was born. He has to be the biggest three-year old I’ve ever seen, and he calls me Grandma Cindy, which makes it easier for me to have a little kid around. I normally don’t like having kids in the house because they move too fast for me and make too much noise…not to mention the messes they can make before you have time to stop them. But Abraham has become a part of the family and now I’m more used to having him here since Jess came back home. I know Rick just loves him to death, especially because they think very much alike. Rick freely admits to thinking along the same lines as a three-year old. We only have him over once in a while but he sure does take over the house when he’s here. I don’t have any idea how it happened but this young man looks exactly like my daughter…even more than he looks like his parents.


I went a very long time without any little ones around me, but it’s looking like I need to get used to the idea that my kids have grown into being parents themselves. I hope that I’ve done a good enough job for them to be able to do a good job too. Hopefully I can help them to make better choices than I did. I didn’t have a clue how to raise a child back then, and I flat-out refused to take anyone’s advice on how to raise my kids. I so wish that I had taken some of that advise because it would have made my kids lives so much better. I don’t want to over-step my boundaries so I’ll have to be careful about making sure my advice is welcome before I go giving my opinion. Anyone who knows me at all will understand how that might be difficult for me to do. Wish me luck. 😉

#137 I did it all by myself


Well I did a few things all by myself. First I found a way to fix this picture of Cali so that you can see what I saw in my kitchen window. I forgot to mention that she has thrown dirt out of this planter all over my garden window and I have to climb up on my counter to reach in there to clean it, so right now there’s dirt all over the place. I’ll get to it eventually. And, I cleaned my kitchen yesterday without anyone helping me…but I did have to take a break in the middle, and third I straightened up my front living room, although I still need to dust and vacuum that room and the others. I think I managed to accomplish a lot on one day…for me anyway. I didn’t even drink any more coffee than usual, but I did take something for pain that I don’t usually take so it worked better than my usual pills. Most people have to take a nap after taking anything for pain but for me every kind of pain pill works like caffeen.  They make me have less pain while also making me want to clean everything that I can. It works for me. And no, I didn’t take anything that I’m not supposed to take. My doctor changes my pain pills every few months back and forth between two different kinds so that when one of them stops working I can switch to the other one for a few months. That way I don’t build up a tolerance to either one of them and they keep working for my pain. If more doctors would do that with more people then there wouldn’t be so many people who are on ridiculous doses of any one drug.  I used to call them medicine, but someone I respect told me a long time ago that they are drugs and shouldn’t be confused with other kinds of medicines. That way you don’t forget to be very careful with what amounts you allow yourself to take. I’m so jealous of people who can first of all get through most of their lives without taking anything for pain at all, and also for those people who when they do have to take anything the tiniest dose works for the pain and they take a little nap and are fine when they wake up. I’m lucky that I’m able to sleep at night at all, but I’ve discovered Tylenol pm without the Tylenol. It’s actually just Benadryl, and I take it every night and I usually sleep just fine. I try not to take anything at all for pain at night because then I would be up all night wanting to clean something. You might be getting the impression by now that I’m a clean freak…but no. It’s my best friend who is a clean freak and she lives right across the street from me, and I’m embarrassed to have her see my house if it doesn’t look nice. She sometimes pops up without me knowing that she’s coming so just incase she does I try my ass off to have everything looking at least half way clean. I love having her over so I don’t want her to be uncomfortable being here. She even does the dishes after we have dinner or a bar-b-que, and I must be picking up on her habits because I’ve found myself doing her dishes when we go over to her house too. It’s so cold this morning that I had to put a hoodie on over my clothes as soon as I woke up. I love it when it’s cold outside, especially after having such a hot summer this year. I’m considering putting my Christmas decorations up a week or so early this year. I was talking to Diane yesterday and she was about to start putting hers up as soon as we were off the phone, maybe after I finish cleaning I’ll try to find someplace to put it. Last year I had it in my dining room, but that’s where all my plants are because I have windows on both walls in that corner, and I don’t know if it would be wise to put the plants anywhere where they wouldn’t get as much sun. The cold from those windows might be getting too cold for them anyway, so I’ll have to try putting a few of them in different places and see how they do before I put the tree there. I’m surprised that they’re still alive because while I was in the hospital with Jess for a week and a half Rick forgot to water them, so I had a lot of dead leaves to pick off when I finally came home. The plants are doing better now that they aren’t all dried out. I can’t be angry with Rick though because he had his hands full with a lot of other things and I came home to find everything else well taken care of. He even finish all of the laundry and cleaned all the floors. After I drink my coffee this morning I think I’ll try to finish my chores so I can look around and be very proud of myself for doing so much work. This is one of those times when I wish we had a smaller house, but if we did then I wouldn’t be able to get around as well in my wheelchair. I also have to write out everything that happened to Jesse in the hospital because one nurse didn’t take care of her when I came home to get some sleep. I’m  going to run this by Rick’s lawyer to see if he thinks that we need him to handle it or if we can just deal with it ourselves. I know it isn’t a huge law suit but I do think that they owe Jess some compensation for what they did to her, and we need to make sure that the hospital takes some kind of action against that nurse for causing Jesse to have to have medical intervention because of that nurse’s incompetence. I do have some pain in my shoulder and arm this morning but I think that I won’t notice it as much if I keep busy. I should probably start with cleaning up all the dirt that Cali threw out of the coffee cup planter.

#134 I think I need some new ideas

I usually don’t have any issues with making due with what we have, but lately it’s gotten very difficult to manage because Rick still is undergoing medical treatment for his neck, and now we’ve been notified that worker’s comp has determined that he has a permanent partial disability so they want to drop him again. The doctor’s have said that he can never drive a truck again, so on top of everything else he’s going to need to find a career that he can manage to do without hurting himself any worse than he already has. I do have a disability check but it isn’t very much and now with having to pay out-of-pocket for Rick’s heart meds and trying to fix everything that needs fixing in the house I feel like we’re just slowly sinking. It doesn’t help that we have a lot of work to be done on our car within the next month or it can’t be re-registered. I’m always the first one to tell everyone to do the best they can with what they have, and to try to keep a good attitude, but I’m finding it hard to take my own advice these days. I try so hard to just get by, but I don’t know how much longer we can get by on what we have. Thank God for family who has loaned us money for bills when we really needed it and have agreed to be repaid when we finally get a settlement from him getting hurt, but I think it isn’t going to be very much…at least not as much as we had figured it would be, and there’s no telling when or if that will ever come. I’m happy with just being able to pay the bills, and I never go shopping for anything that isn’t necessary. I don’t think I’ve bought anything for myself since last Christmas. I’m perfectly happy with having a roof over my head and food on the table, but even those things are getting to be closer to a luxury. I wish that we could both just go back to work, but with as sick as I am, and as hurt as Rick is all the time I’m going to have to figure out something that would allow us to live normally again. There must be a way that I can still earn enough to keep us afloat until Rick can find a job that will be good for him. I was considering letting companies put ads on my blog but I seriously doubt that it would be enough to help. I need some good ideas on things that both Rick and I could do to fix things, so if you have any I’d be more than happy to hear them. I feel like crap today. I think that worrying about money is effecting my body. I let Jess take my car out last night to see some of her friends, she hadn’t seen them since she was admitted to the hospital so I figured that it would be good for her to get away for a few hours. Right after she left, Rick went to check the mail box and I had a letter from a near-by police station. I couldn’t imagine what any police station would need to send to me, but when I opened it there was a lovely picture of my daughter speeding in my car about two weeks before she started getting sick. Now, normally I would have called her cell and demanded that she come straight back and explain to me what the hell she was thinking speeding in my car, but after everything that we just gone through I just couldn’t do it. There are so many important things in life that don’t seem so important until you get a reality check…and I had just had one with her in the hospital. I did prop the letter/picture up between her medicine bottles, where I knew she would see them when she came home, and we went up to go to bed. I haven’t spoken to her much about it yet but that’s not a conversation that I’ll be forgetting to have. She usually does very well when it comes to driving so hopefully this will ensure that she pays better attention to the speed limit. It’s not like her to get into trouble, she usually does whatever she can to stay out of trouble. When I woke up this morning Jesse and her friend were sleeping in my family room where I usually watch the morning news, so I woke them both up and sent them to her bedroom, and I did mention a little something about the letter and told her we would talk about it later today. It was still really early so I just wanted her to take her meds and try to sleep for a few more hours because she’s still having  trouble with her throat. I hope she’s completely healed soon. I know she’s still hurting like crazy. Speaking of hurting…I’m hurting pretty bad myself today but hopefully a nice hot bath will help, it’s worth a try. I already picked all the dead leaves off of my plants this morning because Rick forgot to water any of them while I was gone and they were drying out. He didn’t manage to kill any of them though, so I am grateful for that. They just needed a drink of water and now they look fine again. Today I’m grateful for my daughter continuing to get better and my husband having a good attitude about everything, now I just need to get myself in a better mood and everything will work out as it should.