I’m feeling OK this morning, although I just woke up and I’m already tired. I had an interesting phone call yesterday from someone who was angry with me that I hadn’t told them about my tumor. It took me off guard because I had told this person about it the day that I found out about it and even took them the copy that I had of the report. I guess someone else had gone to this person recently and made a big deal about it and so I was getting yelled at for not making a bigger deal of it myself. I thought that I had explained everything well enough…I guess I was wrong. I didn’t feel the need to flip out about it and it wasn’t a big surprise anyway but how this person didn’t understand the word tumor when I first said it is beyond me. People tend to hear what they want to hear, at least that’s my experience lately, and I won’t be making a bigger deal of anything just to make a point. I was under the impression that everyone that I know has been reading everything that I write on here too, so again…I don’t think I was being secretive about anything. I had been asked by a family member to try not to upset everyone all the time and to try to be careful about how I say things, so that I don’t cause a panic. And I think that I have been careful with my words while still being completely honest about everything. I know that what I write on here could do a lot of harm, and that isn’t what I want at all. I just wanted to not have to repeat myself over and over again every time I find out something new. So, for clarity’s sake, let me be very clear on what’s happening with me lately. I’m mostly just tired and bitchy and don’t have too much pain, and what pain I do have is being managed very well. I do have a small tumor growing back right where the last ones were under my arm and it’s been there since my last surgery. There isn’t a chemo being suggested because I already had the chemo that would have been used on this kind of cancer and they don’t give it to anyone twice because of the damage it does to your organs. My lungs are doing OK, although I still have a cough all the time because of all the damage that I have from the chemo that I had before. As far as I know, there’s no need for panic at all. I’m doing fine right now. I could use more M&Ms though. I keep running out and I don’t notice my dish getting empty until I have just a few left. I really need to make it up to Sam’s Club Monday. We might be going near there on Monday anyway because Rick thinks that we have another defective karaoke machine. I’ve had to return three different machines in the past two years, luckily they were all under warranty so it didn’t cost us anything but time to get them replaced. I think we’re going to have to ask for another brand because it’s hard to believe that I’m getting all the defective machines, and we don’t really use it enough to burn out the lasers that fast. Singing makes me feel better so I don’t like going to turn on the machine and not being able to use it every time. I’m not OK with it only working when it feels like working. I think I should get a few free songs for all the trouble we’ve had from this machine, but I doubt that’s going to happen. Rick stepped into the pool yesterday and stepped right back out, apparently it has gotten too cold for swimming anymore, but I don’t care how cold it is as long as it’s clean and beautiful. It really makes a huge difference in how I feel when I go outside if the pool looks nice. Now we need to get some more string for the weed eater, it’s just too hard to go out and pull the weeds anymore. Every once in a while I do still try though. If nothing else, I get a little bit more tan, and I could use the color right now. This is the size coffee cup I need this morning.
I was watching the local news yesterday morning and I saw a story about a woman who told all her friends and family that she had breast cancer and needed a double mastectomy and didn’t have insurance so she needed to pay cash for it. They had fund-raisers just for her and raised thousands of dollars. She didn’t have breast cancer at all, she just wanted a boob job. From what I heard on the news she ended up getting this boob job done before anyone found out that she was making it all up to get their money . The judge gave her a year in jail as punishment, and this woman said to the judge that she planned on paying all the money back a little bit at a time when she gets out of jail. I think they should have taken the boobs back too. I can’t believe that someone would say that they have cancer when they don’t have it and never did. I still have people who think that because I don’t “look” that sick that my cancer is all better. I just can’t wrap my head around someone doing anything this terrible, and I don’t think her punishment was even close to being enough. Maybe two or three years in jail would have sat better with me. I’m sure that my own money problems don’t help with my opinion of her either. Our pool is looking perfect again, and just being able to see that everything is working again made me feel much better. I do still have to do a little bit of juggling do find a way to pay for everything else, but I’ll figure it out somehow. Rick is terrible with money so he’s agreed to put all of his money straight into my account and let me take care of the bills for a while. He always pays things backwards. I like to pay the largest bills first and the smallest ones last, he doesn’t do that and it makes me crazy when the most important things have to wait to be paid. That’s never a good idea. I have always taken care of the household bills before and we always had what we needed. I made sure that he always had a few bucks in his pocket and we were able to pay all the bills and still have some money left over to have friends over for parties, and that was with less money than we have coming in now. I’m trying to teach him how to stay within a budget, but he tries to spend small amounts that he thinks that I won’t notice then he’s shocked when I get angry that I don’t have all the money that I need to pay the bills when they’re due. I don’t understand why I get so upset about things like this when I never did before. I guess I can see a much larger picture now and I have way more things on my mind than paying the bills. I would love to be able to teach Rick how to manage everything, but it’s just easier right now if I do it myself. I just hope that I’m able to actually get to the bank when I need to. That was why I started letting Rick take care of everything in the first place. I was too sick to get in the car and go anywhere. I still never know what days I’ll be well enough to get up and do anything but I’ll have to at least give it a shot. In Rick’s defense…he has been buying lottery tickets so that we can one day win the lottery. He really believes that we’re going to be rich one day. If we do get rich I’ll be found back in Hawaii, on the beach with a drink in my hand. For now, my coffee will have to do.
I spent most of the day in my front yard the other day trying to get my tree shaped like an umbrella with manual hedge trimmers, so I wasn’t able to make it to the lake yesterday. I wanted to go so much too, but even Rick wasn’t feeling up to going so I called the night before and canceled. I thought that if I managed to finish up all the work in my yard that I could just relax on the boat yesterday…but it didn’t exactly work like I had hoped. I knew when I was finished outside that I had done too much but by the next morning I couldn’t even move my arms and hands without hurting myself. My brother gave us a rain-check on going to the lake, but I don’t know how long it will be before they have time to go again. I heard on the news this morning that there was an explosion on the lake that we were going to. A boat with five adults was just coming away from the launch site and the boat exploded, sending all five adults into the water and they all had to be air lifted to a burn unit. I think that if I had seen something like that happen I would have had a heart attack. I feel so bad for those people. I feel a lot better today, but I did sleep in a little too long. I even missed the sun coming up this morning. Rick even had to make my coffee because I can’t seem to get moving today. I definitely won’t be going out to do any work in the yard until I’m completely better. Today would be a good day for chocolate but I’m all out of M&Ms again. I think a trip to Sam’s Club this weekend is in order because it’s the only place I can ever find big enough bags of M&Ms to last me through the month. I joke a lot with Rick about my tumor hurting but today when I woke up I really did have pain under my arm, and it feels like something is pushing on a nerve. I already took all of my morning pills and I’m now on my third cup of coffee, so I’m going to try to make it back upstairs to get into my bath tub to soak for a while and see if that helps at all. I haven’t turned my karaoke machine on in a few days either so that might be a good idea today. Singing does take my mind off the pain, sometimes it works better than any drug ever has. I was supposed to go out with my sister Nicci so that I could meet her new boyfriend Heath, but I wasn’t able to go out, so I ‘m considering having them over here to do karaoke. I’m told that he’s pretty good at it and she’s been trying to get me to go out with them for a few weeks now. I feel kind of bad for not being able to go out, and it must look like I’m trying to avoid them, but that isn’t true at all. I just never know what days I’m going to feel well enough to go anywhere. It seems like every time I try to make plans to do anything something happens and I have to cancel. It is easier to have people over here. I’m going to go and search out something sweet in my kitchen now. Maybe some french toast…I haven’t had my breakfast yet.
I did manage to get outside for a few hours yesterday and my yard looks much better already. I’m about to go upstairs and get dressed so that I can work on the weeds by the street so that I don’t get a ticket for not taking care of them. They’re not too big yet though so it shouldn’t be too much trouble. I do need to find a pair of gloves that I haven’t put holes in the fingers so that I don’t keep on poking myself like I did yesterday with all the ones that had prickers on them. I never see the prickers before I grab a hold of them either. You would think that by now I could tell which kind are which and I could figure out a way to get them into the garbage bag without drawing blood. I don’t much care about the tiny pokes in my finger, but I seem to always prick the hand that has no lymph nodes to filter out any infection that I might pick up from poking myself. I plan on trying to get my front patio swept and bagged up, someday I’ll remember to put a few chairs out there so that when people come over and we’re all talking out front, they can have some place to sit other than on my flowerbed wall. I’m still sore from leaning out over my wheelchair to pull the weeds yesterday, so I’m going to bring out a cushion for me to sit on the ground with. I’m in a really great mood today so I might be able to get even more done outside today. I’ve kind of been trying to pace myself so that I don’t get burned out these past few days, but doing hard work is so much fun for me, I wish I could stay out all day. Rick never does let me stay out for more than an hour or two at a time so that I don’t hurt myself too much though. Now I just need to figure out a way to keep and bugs from trying to walk on me. I hate bugs, and apparently the bugs hate when I dig around in the yard (aka their home). It’s going to be a short post today because I really want to get started outside. I feel very good today, with the exception of being achy from being in the yard yesterday. It’s all good.
I’m so happy this morning because we were able to find a contractor to fix the water leaks on the house and the pool. We won’t be starting the other repairs on the damage that the water did until a week or so from now(when Rick gets paid). I can’t believe that I found someone who was a good enough person to take what little money I had (which was twenty-eight dollars) and go to the store, buy what he needed to do the repairs on the roof and the pool pipe and do the work without demanding payment right then, and no, I didn’t play the cancer card either. Not that I think that he missed the fact that I was sitting in a wheelchair with only one leg, but I didn’t make a big deal of it. This guy climbed onto my roof while it was raining to fix it for us, and didn’t complain about it being wet at all. I did ask him if he was sure that he wanted to do that because I really didn’t want him to fall and get hurt, especially after he was being so nice to us. He told me that it was only just sprinkling and it should be taken care of right away because we never know when a bad storm will pop up out of nowhere and do worse damage, so I agreed that he should give it a shot. He was happy just knowing that I had enough work for him to do around the house to keep him busy for a while. We didn’t expect to have to put money out but the insurance company only sent Ray a tiny little check, the deductible was way higher than I have ever had one, so I didn’t expect Ray to have it so high. If he’s OK with it then so am I. While this contractor will be here anyway, I mentioned that I had a few other jobs that I could have him do and he was very happy to hear it. He’s an older guy so that made me comfortable with having him in the house, but after talking to him for a while I could see that he’s just an honest hard-working man. Those are hard to find anymore. Anyway I’m happy, Rick is happy and Ray is happy. Now about my yard. I never did make it out front yesterday because it kept on raining and Rick wouldn’t let me go outside. I had to stay inside all day, but there were some OK movies on so no big deal. It looks great outside this morning. No rain and it’s not very hot this morning either. Lately it had been getting too hot and humid for me to go outside by 9:30 in the morning. Rick wanted me to get him up early today but I don’t know if I want to do that. I can never tell if he’s going to be in a good mood when I wake him up too early. So, I’m drinking my coffee and popping a few M&Ms, and when I’m awake a little more I’ll go upstairs to take my bath and get dressed in my ‘getting dirty in the yard clothes’. I’m totally fine with it being quiet around here, I haven’t seen Jess in a few days now though. I hope that that means that everything is going fine with her two jobs. My kids can go a very long time without calling me because they get so busy, that doesn’t bother me, so no news is good news with them. I’m in a pretty good mood today too so hopefully the rest of the day I’ll stay in this mood.
This is just an idea of what happens if I sit still for more than five minutes. You can’t see him but there’s a black cat on the floor right next to me as well as the one on the couch…not to mention the pets that are on me. 🙂 And yes that’s Rick.
Every once in a while I like to add some insight into my life and some things that have been a part of me for a very long time. Most of those things require a detailed explanation for anyone to really understand them, ‘Mine’ is one of those things. I don’t remember when I started doing it, but growing up when I would see anything that I liked and intended to keep I would take hold of it and just simply say “mine”. It always worked too. I thought I would get some resistance on some of the things that I took as ‘mine’, but people would just look at me a little funny and say “ok”, and that was that. The reason I am explaining this particular word is because now it’s used around my house on a daily basis…and not just by me anymore. The day I met my dear husband I knew that he was coming to see me but he didn’t have a clue that he was coming to meet me. A mutual friend of ours had thought we should talk to each other on the phone and after a few weeks I wanted to see what he looked like. So, our friend decided that it would be better if he brought Rick and another friend of theirs(they thought he was taking them to the movies) to pick up me and two of my friends so that we could all go to a friend’s house. It took me hours to get ready and my mother being the big helper that she is actually helped me squirm into a new pair of jeans having to use a pair of pliers to get the zipper up. I guess she figured I was safe if I couldn’t get them on and off by myself. We three girls were outside at the end of my parents driveway and I was sitting on my dad’s car when the truck drove up. The other two guys jumped out of the truck but Rick wasn’t moving as fast as the others were so I started to walk over to the truck. You have to remember that this was in the mid eighties. I made it about half-way to the open passenger side door and I saw a guy step out wearing a trench coat and jeans. I just stood there looking at him like I was in shock. I don’t think I stood there very long though because I took one more step and said ‘mine’! Rick leaned over and kissed me and I couldn’t seem to let him go. I had never had anything like this happen before, although I did have boyfriends before Rick, but I was literally stunned into silence. He smiled at me and he said “your’s”…and that was that. We spent the rest of the evening with all of our friends and the rest is a whole different kind of story. Now when anyone of my kids, my husband, or my friends want anything in my house they touch it and say “mine” and I usually just look at them a little funny and say “ok”. Who am I to refuse anything to anyone? I like to make people happy and if giving someone something that I have is going to make them happy then that’s what I want to do. I do get some shit for keeping random things just in case someone might have a need for it (it’s not at all unusual for me to run and bring back whatever someone says they need before they finish saying it), but I don’t like to have things piled up or sitting around. I need a lot of open space to move around the house in my wheelchair so I hate to have anything sitting out. I think that after years of having to pick up toys or other things just to get through my house I became very adamant that nothing ever be left lying around or it would then become “mine” and go straight into the trash can.
Yesterday I was having the worst day in a very long time. I couldn’t get away from the pain long enough to become anything close to a normal happy person. I was going through my house pissed off at the world and everybody in it, I thought that if I did some chores that I would feel better, although I knew that I shouldn’t because I was already hurting so much. I made it through doing most of my dishes, doing four or five loads of my daughter’s laundry (she doesn’t even live here) and sweeping my kitchen and family room when I decided that I had to take a break. I wanted to try to sing a few songs while I caught my breath, and because I had to exchange my karaoke machine a few months ago and never really had the new one set up properly it had to be moved and rewired so that took a few hours to do when it should have only taken a few minutes…then when it was hooked up I couldn’t find my mics because there were extra wires everywhere. I was so pissed off at that point that I took a garbage bag and threw into it all the wires to other people’s random things that had no business being there, and just as I threw the garbage bag into my garage someone rang the door-bell. Of course Bob (our Pomeranian) goes crazy which pisses off Rick who had been getting bitched at all day by me, and when Bob jumped up to run at the door he scratched my leg trying to get by me. I thought that I was going to find the carpet repair guy at the door, he was supposed to come and replace some of the new carpet that was installed improperly, which is by the way very loud, the glue smells to high heaven and they make a huge mess. This day couldn’t have gotten much worse! Rick and I both went to the door so that one of us could hold the dog while the other let the carpet guys in…but nobody was there. I could see the UPS truck leaving and there was a huge box left on my front patio with my name on it. Rick brought me the box and I put Bob back down and I took this great big box into the kitchen. I must have had a huge smile on my face because for the first time all day Rick smiled at me and went back to his computer. It had a beautiful card on the box addressed to me, with a little writing that just basically said that someone was thinking of me and wishing me a pain-free happy day. In the box was the most perfect bunch of sun flowers along with a little tin can vase that looked like a little old milk can. Just beautiful. I instantly was happy again and hurried to get my pretty flowers cut and fed and put into fresh water in their new home. They were really hot so I was a bit worried that they would die yesterday but they didn’t. I carried them from room to room with me for the rest of the day yesterday just so that I could see them where ever I went. I didn’t do anything else around the house after that, I just rested and looked at my perfect gift. I think what made me so happy wasn’t just getting such a great gift, but it was the fact that those much-needed words came from a woman whom I’ve never even met. She is someone who I’ve been talking to on the internet who has also lived this nightmare. I’ve never even spoken to her on the phone. This woman has encouraged me on good days and cried with me on terrible days and I don’t even know her last name. The only way that I could thank her was to send her a pm on my computer. So this is why I’m back to giving myself whiplash with the mood swings. I truly believe that if Rick could have found this wonderful woman yesterday he would have hugged her refusing to let go because she fixed me in a split second. I woke up today and came downstairs to make my coffee, when I saw my beautiful sun flowers on my kitchen table and I smiled. I think it’s gonna be a great day.