I was watching the local news yesterday morning and I saw a story about a woman who told all her friends and family that she had breast cancer and needed a double mastectomy and didn’t have insurance so she needed to pay cash for it. They had fund-raisers just for her and raised thousands of dollars. She didn’t have breast cancer at all, she just wanted a boob job. From what I heard on the news she ended up getting this boob job done before anyone found out that she was making it all up to get their money . The judge gave her a year in jail as punishment, and this woman said to the judge that she planned on paying all the money back a little bit at a time when she gets out of jail. I think they should have taken the boobs back too. I can’t believe that someone would say that they have cancer when they don’t have it and never did. I still have people who think that because I don’t “look” that sick that my cancer is all better. I just can’t wrap my head around someone doing anything this terrible, and I don’t think her punishment was even close to being enough. Maybe two or three years in jail would have sat better with me. I’m sure that my own money problems don’t help with my opinion of her either. Our pool is looking perfect again, and just being able to see that everything is working again made me feel much better. I do still have to do a little bit of juggling do find a way to pay for everything else, but I’ll figure it out somehow. Rick is terrible with money so he’s agreed to put all of his money straight into my account and let me take care of the bills for a while. He always pays things backwards. I like to pay the largest bills first and the smallest ones last, he doesn’t do that and it makes me crazy when the most important things have to wait to be paid. That’s never a good idea. I have always taken care of the household bills before and we always had what we needed. I made sure that he always had a few bucks in his pocket and we were able to pay all the bills and still have some money left over to have friends over for parties, and that was with less money than we have coming in now. I’m trying to teach him how to stay within a budget, but he tries to spend small amounts that he thinks that I won’t notice then he’s shocked when I get angry that I don’t have all the money that I need to pay the bills when they’re due. I don’t understand why I get so upset about things like this when I never did before. I guess I can see a much larger picture now and I have way more things on my mind than paying the bills. I would love to be able to teach Rick how to manage everything, but it’s just easier right now if I do it myself. I just hope that I’m able to actually get to the bank when I need to. That was why I started letting Rick take care of everything in the first place. I was too sick to get in the car and go anywhere. I still never know what days I’ll be well enough to get up and do anything but I’ll have to at least give it a shot. In Rick’s defense…he has been buying lottery tickets so that we can one day win the lottery. He really believes that we’re going to be rich one day. If we do get rich I’ll be found back in Hawaii, on the beach with a drink in my hand. For now, my coffee will have to do.
I haven’t written any posts for a few days because I didn’t have anything nice to say. I woke up this morning and was in such a shitty mood that poor Rick got dressed and left to run to the store, but not until after I completely unloaded on him for every little thing I could think of to yell at him about. I did apologize to him when he came back and we had a long talk about how I’ve been feeling like everything is just piling up and I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. Every time I try to fix anything something else goes wrong. If it were small things it wouldn’t be so bad, but the things that are wrecking me are big things. I’m worried about fixing the house and although we did manage to get the pool fixed it cost way more than we were prepared for so we still have to pay a few hundred more on that, the car needs an eight hundred-dollar repair before the tags are up in December, we have to pay for all of Rick’s heart pills because the insurance company dropped him and we still don’t know what’s going to happen with his neck surgery. Now for the icing on the cake…My cancer is starting to really take a huge tole on me. I can be fine one minute and then the next minute I feel like I’m just going to drop. There isn’t anything that makes me feel better anymore, and the emotional breakdowns are getting worse than they’ve ever been. I keep trying to plan to do things with my friends and family and then when it’s time to go I can’t even get up enough energy up to go anywhere. The past few days I haven’t even been able to get into our office to write a post, not that I had anything much to say anyway. I know that when I started this blog I said that it was going to be not only the good things, but also the bad things, so although I hate to tell the world my problems that’s exactly what I plan on doing. I want to write about all of my life not just the good parts and anyone who doesn’t like it can bite me! Cancer isn’t pretty and you can’t always have some chicken soup and make it all better. I wish that I knew how to at least try to have a better attitude but the only thing I can think to do right now is to take a sleeping pill and go to bed, hopefully I’ll wake up feeling much better than I did this morning. I just feel like the world is caving in on me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I did find out that the bone scan that I had last week didn’t find any cancer in my bones, so that’s good news. I just want to feel normal again. There are probably a few more things bothering me that I’m not even thinking about right now, all I can do now is try to get myself in a better state of mind. I just don’t know how to get there.
Apparently I’m now a clutz. Yesterday when I was writing my morning post I went to put my headset on my desk and turn around to go outside, but somehow I caught a cord on the front of my wheelchair and pulled on my computer tower hard enough to tip it over. One computer down! I run into things with my chair all the time but I don’t usually cause any damage. My hard drive somehow isn’t hooked up anymore so it won’t initiate windows at all. Now I’m having to use Rick’s computer. I don’t like using it because he bought it last year specifically for his games so I’ve never used it at all. I didn’t even know what the password was so of course he gave me shit about asking for it. He thought he was being funny but I had just written the entire post and didn’t know if it was lost or not. Luckily WordPress saves all material every twenty seconds so it was all there when I logged back on. I don’t know what I would do without my blog. It’s become my way of getting through all the crap that’s happening with my sanity still in tact. I do feel much better today, and Rick made sure that all the housework was taken care of while I was out of commission these past few days. The insurance adjuster did come by on friday and he told us that we have to have our entire dining room and livingroom ceiling scraped and re-texture. We also need to replace the drywall in the dining room and have the roof resealed. When I went to bed last night it was just starting to rain and I woke up to the rain still coming down. It wasn’t pouring or anything, just raining enough that I’m worried to check and see if there is any more damage. Rick complained to the adjuster about the water dripping on our brand new carpet so he agreed to pay to have the carpet cleaned too. That will come in handy after the huge mess is made to scrape the ceiling. I do want to get the repairs done, but I’m not looking forward to the mess. The carpet company has been trying to get me to make another appointment for them to come out replace the carpet that I threw a fit about, it was installed terribly on part of my steps. I’m going to call them this morning and tell them they can’t come until after the repairs though. I do have a few other things to do today so I think today is gonna be OK. I feel all right except for the cough that I’ve had for what seems like forever. Yesterday I went up and down the stairs so many times that I managed to pull a muscle in my shoulder but it isn’t too bad this morning. I have a feeling that I won’t see Rick for a few hours yet, he stayed up until one in the morning to be able to pick Jess up from her second job after working twenty-three hours straight. Oh, to be young again. I really don’t know how she’s managing to work all the hours she’s working. I think she did get a nap on my couch for about forty-five minutes before she worked all day and then all night. She wanted us to buy her a few red bulls to help her stay awake and although I hate energy drinks(because I think they’re dangerous), Rick went to the store and bought her one. I hope it helped. I haven’t seen her this morning. I guess Rick took her to her apartment. She hardly ever goes home so she’s letting one of her friends stay at her place to take care of her kitten and he cleans her house for her. Jess says it’s like having an old man housewife(I think he’s twenty-five). I’m just happy that she found someone to stay there to help out. I didn’t like her leaving the kitten home alone so much. I was surprised that her second job was in a group home for disabled people. I guess when they wanted to know if she had any experience with taking care of disabled people she told them that she has twenty years of experience living with me. She’s very good about knowing when to ask if she can help with something, and when to let someone do things on their own. I’ve purposely taught my kids how to run a house from the time they could reach things, just incase I couldn’t do things for them they were able to do everything on their own. Now if I can get them to keep their rooms clean when they’re here…that would be nice.
Yesterday I was having the worst day in a very long time. I couldn’t get away from the pain long enough to become anything close to a normal happy person. I was going through my house pissed off at the world and everybody in it, I thought that if I did some chores that I would feel better, although I knew that I shouldn’t because I was already hurting so much. I made it through doing most of my dishes, doing four or five loads of my daughter’s laundry (she doesn’t even live here) and sweeping my kitchen and family room when I decided that I had to take a break. I wanted to try to sing a few songs while I caught my breath, and because I had to exchange my karaoke machine a few months ago and never really had the new one set up properly it had to be moved and rewired so that took a few hours to do when it should have only taken a few minutes…then when it was hooked up I couldn’t find my mics because there were extra wires everywhere. I was so pissed off at that point that I took a garbage bag and threw into it all the wires to other people’s random things that had no business being there, and just as I threw the garbage bag into my garage someone rang the door-bell. Of course Bob (our Pomeranian) goes crazy which pisses off Rick who had been getting bitched at all day by me, and when Bob jumped up to run at the door he scratched my leg trying to get by me. I thought that I was going to find the carpet repair guy at the door, he was supposed to come and replace some of the new carpet that was installed improperly, which is by the way very loud, the glue smells to high heaven and they make a huge mess. This day couldn’t have gotten much worse! Rick and I both went to the door so that one of us could hold the dog while the other let the carpet guys in…but nobody was there. I could see the UPS truck leaving and there was a huge box left on my front patio with my name on it. Rick brought me the box and I put Bob back down and I took this great big box into the kitchen. I must have had a huge smile on my face because for the first time all day Rick smiled at me and went back to his computer. It had a beautiful card on the box addressed to me, with a little writing that just basically said that someone was thinking of me and wishing me a pain-free happy day. In the box was the most perfect bunch of sun flowers along with a little tin can vase that looked like a little old milk can. Just beautiful. I instantly was happy again and hurried to get my pretty flowers cut and fed and put into fresh water in their new home. They were really hot so I was a bit worried that they would die yesterday but they didn’t. I carried them from room to room with me for the rest of the day yesterday just so that I could see them where ever I went. I didn’t do anything else around the house after that, I just rested and looked at my perfect gift. I think what made me so happy wasn’t just getting such a great gift, but it was the fact that those much-needed words came from a woman whom I’ve never even met. She is someone who I’ve been talking to on the internet who has also lived this nightmare. I’ve never even spoken to her on the phone. This woman has encouraged me on good days and cried with me on terrible days and I don’t even know her last name. The only way that I could thank her was to send her a pm on my computer. So this is why I’m back to giving myself whiplash with the mood swings. I truly believe that if Rick could have found this wonderful woman yesterday he would have hugged her refusing to let go because she fixed me in a split second. I woke up today and came downstairs to make my coffee, when I saw my beautiful sun flowers on my kitchen table and I smiled. I think it’s gonna be a great day.
I woke up early this morning and realized that I’m in a really bad mood and I don’t know why. I thought I had gotten over being so angry but the more I try to do things, the more angry I get when I fail. I’m not used to being brought down by physical crap, especially since I’ve lived most of my life only having one leg. I’ve always had to do everything a little bit differently than the average person would do things. I used to do things just to prove that I could. Any time my husband heard someone tell me that I couldn’t do something he would just shake his head and laugh because he knew I was about to do whatever it was just to prove a point. It used to be so much fun for me to prove people wrong. There doesn’t even seem to be enough people for me to let loose on because nobody really gives me any shit anymore. I wonder why? I don’t know if it’s worse to have everyone asking me endless questions, most of which are offensive to me anyway, or to have everyone I know ignoring the fact that I’m sick. I really actually feel sick today so maybe that’s why I’m in such a shitty mood. My ribs hurt like hell and they’ve been hurting for a few months now. The PET scan showed a tumor but not in my ribs so I’m having a bone scan done in a week or so. There are bone mets that don’t always show up on PET scans so I’m going back to the same Imaging place to have the bone scan. This all just sucks. I don’t have anything that I can do that won’t hurt me. I can’t go for a walk because it’s too hot even early in the morning and I have a hard time going swimming now because it’s a bitch to get myself out. Yesterday I pulled something in my shoulder and arm(right where “it” is) just by getting into my wheelchair. I’m sure that everyone already knows that I hate for anyone to have to help me do anything. I need to be able to do things on my own. I even had my wheelchair built without handles so people would stop grabbing my chair wanting to push me. If someone else is doing all the work for then what’s the sense in doing it at all? It’s not often that I’m just angry at everything and everyone but today seems to be starting out just that way. Nothing was different today but me, so I know that nobody made me this way. Yesterday I sang two songs and was completely wiped out. I sat in the recliner for hours trying to work up enough strength to sing more but I never did, and I ended up going to bed early. I’m so pissed off at what’s happening to me and I don’t know what to do with that. So… I thought that if I put it all here then I might be able to let go of some of it. So far it didn’t work but I’ll wait and see what happens.
I did get to go for my walk the day before yesterday but we had to cut it a bit short, Rick had a hard time going the full two miles because we didn’t go first thing in the morning. By the time I had enough coffee in me to be a person it was about 9am and the sun was already up high enough that we didn’t have any shade to walk in. So, yesterday instead of trying to go walking again Rick talked me into going swimming after he vacuumed the pool and I’m so glad that he did. The water was warm but not too much and we swam around for a long time to make sure that we both exercised enough to make up for not going for a walk. I think that until it cools off considerably we’ll just be going swimming in the morning. I was so happy to know that I could actually get outside and go around the neighborhood because that was the first time in a long time since I’ve had the energy to go anywhere without the car. In fact I was so excited that when we got home I went straight into my garage and cleaned out all of the garbage, but Rick made me go inside and cool off after a few minutes out there. I’ve put on about ten pounds in the past year and all of my favorite clothes don’t fit me anymore so I’m hoping that doing morning exercise again will help me drop the weight. I found out the other day that my son Justin and his girlfriend Ashley are expecting their first baby in February. I don’ like that I’m that old but I’m happy that I’ll have a grandchild. I remember how difficult it was for Rick and I to have children when we were younger so I hope they have an easier time raising a child than we did. Justin is 22 so they’re old enough to be responsible for a baby, but I do wish that they were closer so that I could help them a little bit. When I was on the phone the other day with Justin and were talking about his having a child I told him that I hoped that he had a son and that he was ‘just like him’. He got all upset and started screaming to Ashley that I had just cursed them. He told me ” mom,that’s not funny”…but I thought it was very, very funny. My daughter Jesse has an ex-girlfriend who had just had a baby when they first started dating, and when they broke up Jesse was already attached to the baby so to this day (he’s three now) she takes him a few days a week and he’s always called me grandma Cindy. I don’t know how I ever took care of my kids without losing my mind. I guess that having children is for young people because as I get older I have a hard time being around anyone under 18 without being very agitated. Now I know what to do to teach a child to be well-behaved, but that wasn’t always the case. Luckily my kids grew out of being out of control. It took me a long time to figure it out though. I don’t think that I had a harder time raising them because I only have one leg, I think it was simply that I didn’t know how to raise children to behave the way I wanted them to. Some things just take time and experience. I am glad that I had them when I was younger because now that I’m not able to do as many things they can do things on their own. I hope we can figure something out so that I can be of some kind of assistance with the baby because life is too short to miss out on the good things. I also wish that I could just tell Justin and Ashley what to do to have a well-behaved, well-mannered and well-adjusted child but as we older more experienced parents now know, everyone has to figure that one out on their own and in their own way and their own time. I don’t like to wait for things though so maybe I’ll be able to at least give them a few pointers? Rick replenished my M&M supply yesterday, so me and my tiny shovel are headed out to the front yard this morning to tackle some weeds that popped up in the rocks after it rained the other day. I’m going to go out as soon as the sun comes up so that I can see what I’m doing , hopefully it won’t get too hot before I get them all pulled out. I have to go and buy a new tiny shovel soon because I’ve worn off the handle and I don’t want to get blisters on my hands again like I had the last time I wore out one of my shovels. I need to pick up some new gloves too, mine don’t have much material left at the finger tips and I’m afraid to get a pricker in my finger. I have to be careful about not getting any kind of infection in my right arm that could turn into Lymphadema. That’s a side effect from having my lymph nodes removed during the mastectomy. Luckily I haven’t had any problems with my arm and I want to keep it that way. I have enough to deal with already.