I’m feeling OK this morning, although I just woke up and I’m already tired. I had an interesting phone call yesterday from someone who was angry with me that I hadn’t told them about my tumor. It took me off guard because I had told this person about it the day that I found out about it and even took them the copy that I had of the report. I guess someone else had gone to this person recently and made a big deal about it and so I was getting yelled at for not making a bigger deal of it myself. I thought that I had explained everything well enough…I guess I was wrong. I didn’t feel the need to flip out about it and it wasn’t a big surprise anyway but how this person didn’t understand the word tumor when I first said it is beyond me. People tend to hear what they want to hear, at least that’s my experience lately, and I won’t be making a bigger deal of anything just to make a point. I was under the impression that everyone that I know has been reading everything that I write on here too, so again…I don’t think I was being secretive about anything. I had been asked by a family member to try not to upset everyone all the time and to try to be careful about how I say things, so that I don’t cause a panic. And I think that I have been careful with my words while still being completely honest about everything. I know that what I write on here could do a lot of harm, and that isn’t what I want at all. I just wanted to not have to repeat myself over and over again every time I find out something new. So, for clarity’s sake, let me be very clear on what’s happening with me lately. I’m mostly just tired and bitchy and don’t have too much pain, and what pain I do have is being managed very well. I do have a small tumor growing back right where the last ones were under my arm and it’s been there since my last surgery. There isn’t a chemo being suggested because I already had the chemo that would have been used on this kind of cancer and they don’t give it to anyone twice because of the damage it does to your organs. My lungs are doing OK, although I still have a cough all the time because of all the damage that I have from the chemo that I had before. As far as I know, there’s no need for panic at all. I’m doing fine right now. I could use more M&Ms though. I keep running out and I don’t notice my dish getting empty until I have just a few left. I really need to make it up to Sam’s Club Monday. We might be going near there on Monday anyway because Rick thinks that we have another defective karaoke machine. I’ve had to return three different machines in the past two years, luckily they were all under warranty so it didn’t cost us anything but time to get them replaced. I think we’re going to have to ask for another brand because it’s hard to believe that I’m getting all the defective machines, and we don’t really use it enough to burn out the lasers that fast. Singing makes me feel better so I don’t like going to turn on the machine and not being able to use it every time. I’m not OK with it only working when it feels like working. I think I should get a few free songs for all the trouble we’ve had from this machine, but I doubt that’s going to happen. Rick stepped into the pool yesterday and stepped right back out, apparently it has gotten too cold for swimming anymore, but I don’t care how cold it is as long as it’s clean and beautiful. It really makes a huge difference in how I feel when I go outside if the pool looks nice. Now we need to get some more string for the weed eater, it’s just too hard to go out and pull the weeds anymore. Every once in a while I do still try though. If nothing else, I get a little bit more tan, and I could use the color right now. This is the size coffee cup I need this morning.
I was watching the local news yesterday morning and I saw a story about a woman who told all her friends and family that she had breast cancer and needed a double mastectomy and didn’t have insurance so she needed to pay cash for it. They had fund-raisers just for her and raised thousands of dollars. She didn’t have breast cancer at all, she just wanted a boob job. From what I heard on the news she ended up getting this boob job done before anyone found out that she was making it all up to get their money . The judge gave her a year in jail as punishment, and this woman said to the judge that she planned on paying all the money back a little bit at a time when she gets out of jail. I think they should have taken the boobs back too. I can’t believe that someone would say that they have cancer when they don’t have it and never did. I still have people who think that because I don’t “look” that sick that my cancer is all better. I just can’t wrap my head around someone doing anything this terrible, and I don’t think her punishment was even close to being enough. Maybe two or three years in jail would have sat better with me. I’m sure that my own money problems don’t help with my opinion of her either. Our pool is looking perfect again, and just being able to see that everything is working again made me feel much better. I do still have to do a little bit of juggling do find a way to pay for everything else, but I’ll figure it out somehow. Rick is terrible with money so he’s agreed to put all of his money straight into my account and let me take care of the bills for a while. He always pays things backwards. I like to pay the largest bills first and the smallest ones last, he doesn’t do that and it makes me crazy when the most important things have to wait to be paid. That’s never a good idea. I have always taken care of the household bills before and we always had what we needed. I made sure that he always had a few bucks in his pocket and we were able to pay all the bills and still have some money left over to have friends over for parties, and that was with less money than we have coming in now. I’m trying to teach him how to stay within a budget, but he tries to spend small amounts that he thinks that I won’t notice then he’s shocked when I get angry that I don’t have all the money that I need to pay the bills when they’re due. I don’t understand why I get so upset about things like this when I never did before. I guess I can see a much larger picture now and I have way more things on my mind than paying the bills. I would love to be able to teach Rick how to manage everything, but it’s just easier right now if I do it myself. I just hope that I’m able to actually get to the bank when I need to. That was why I started letting Rick take care of everything in the first place. I was too sick to get in the car and go anywhere. I still never know what days I’ll be well enough to get up and do anything but I’ll have to at least give it a shot. In Rick’s defense…he has been buying lottery tickets so that we can one day win the lottery. He really believes that we’re going to be rich one day. If we do get rich I’ll be found back in Hawaii, on the beach with a drink in my hand. For now, my coffee will have to do.
I haven’t written any posts for a few days because I didn’t have anything nice to say. I woke up this morning and was in such a shitty mood that poor Rick got dressed and left to run to the store, but not until after I completely unloaded on him for every little thing I could think of to yell at him about. I did apologize to him when he came back and we had a long talk about how I’ve been feeling like everything is just piling up and I can’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. Every time I try to fix anything something else goes wrong. If it were small things it wouldn’t be so bad, but the things that are wrecking me are big things. I’m worried about fixing the house and although we did manage to get the pool fixed it cost way more than we were prepared for so we still have to pay a few hundred more on that, the car needs an eight hundred-dollar repair before the tags are up in December, we have to pay for all of Rick’s heart pills because the insurance company dropped him and we still don’t know what’s going to happen with his neck surgery. Now for the icing on the cake…My cancer is starting to really take a huge tole on me. I can be fine one minute and then the next minute I feel like I’m just going to drop. There isn’t anything that makes me feel better anymore, and the emotional breakdowns are getting worse than they’ve ever been. I keep trying to plan to do things with my friends and family and then when it’s time to go I can’t even get up enough energy up to go anywhere. The past few days I haven’t even been able to get into our office to write a post, not that I had anything much to say anyway. I know that when I started this blog I said that it was going to be not only the good things, but also the bad things, so although I hate to tell the world my problems that’s exactly what I plan on doing. I want to write about all of my life not just the good parts and anyone who doesn’t like it can bite me! Cancer isn’t pretty and you can’t always have some chicken soup and make it all better. I wish that I knew how to at least try to have a better attitude but the only thing I can think to do right now is to take a sleeping pill and go to bed, hopefully I’ll wake up feeling much better than I did this morning. I just feel like the world is caving in on me and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I did find out that the bone scan that I had last week didn’t find any cancer in my bones, so that’s good news. I just want to feel normal again. There are probably a few more things bothering me that I’m not even thinking about right now, all I can do now is try to get myself in a better state of mind. I just don’t know how to get there.
I still haven’t heard anything from my Dr about the bone scan, but I’m not too worried about it anyway. I gave up and called a reputable poor repair company to come out and take a look at my cracked pool filter pipes after the first guy that came out to look at the problem only put globs of silicon around the leaky pipe and somehow actually made it worse than it was to begin with. Now I have to replace the whole set of pipes because somehow the first guy made it so much worse that the second guy couldn’t get the one pipe off of the filter without risking breaking the whole filter. It went from a small repair to now being a huge repair. Now because it’s going to cost so much to fix the pool, I’ll have to wait and do the inside dining room repairs a little bit at a time. I think Rick and I are just going to do the painting on our own. We did do the painting the first time, but that was before Rick was hurt at work and I was diagnosed with breast cancer, so I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to work at a time. The only thing that we can’t do on our own is replacing the part of the ceiling and the texture. Rick can’t lift his arms over his head because of his neck injury and I don’t think I could climb a ladder, let alone attach the drywall and texture up there. It bothers be very much that we have to pay people to do things that we would have at been able to at least try to do on our own before we both ended up with all these medical problems. I think that what’s worse than all the pain we both have to go through is all the money problems that we have to deal with now because we don’t have our normal income anymore. Not that we were rich before, but we always had enough to pay the bills and do whatever repairs we had. I had thought that the insurance company was going to pay for the damage to the house but with the deductible being so high, it didn’t help at all. I know that I should be trying to find the good in all of this but I wouldn’t even know where to start. I have an appointment this morning with my pain doctor so I have to go upstairs and take a shower. With any luck, I’ll magically turn into a better person and find lots of things to be thankful for. Even as shitty as things are going right now…I know that things could be worse. I don’t need to win the lottery or anything like that, I just want to be able to take care of my responsibilities without having to put Rick out on a corner. (No, I wouldn’t do that…but it couldn’t hurt to try, right?))
I’m so happy this morning because we were able to find a contractor to fix the water leaks on the house and the pool. We won’t be starting the other repairs on the damage that the water did until a week or so from now(when Rick gets paid). I can’t believe that I found someone who was a good enough person to take what little money I had (which was twenty-eight dollars) and go to the store, buy what he needed to do the repairs on the roof and the pool pipe and do the work without demanding payment right then, and no, I didn’t play the cancer card either. Not that I think that he missed the fact that I was sitting in a wheelchair with only one leg, but I didn’t make a big deal of it. This guy climbed onto my roof while it was raining to fix it for us, and didn’t complain about it being wet at all. I did ask him if he was sure that he wanted to do that because I really didn’t want him to fall and get hurt, especially after he was being so nice to us. He told me that it was only just sprinkling and it should be taken care of right away because we never know when a bad storm will pop up out of nowhere and do worse damage, so I agreed that he should give it a shot. He was happy just knowing that I had enough work for him to do around the house to keep him busy for a while. We didn’t expect to have to put money out but the insurance company only sent Ray a tiny little check, the deductible was way higher than I have ever had one, so I didn’t expect Ray to have it so high. If he’s OK with it then so am I. While this contractor will be here anyway, I mentioned that I had a few other jobs that I could have him do and he was very happy to hear it. He’s an older guy so that made me comfortable with having him in the house, but after talking to him for a while I could see that he’s just an honest hard-working man. Those are hard to find anymore. Anyway I’m happy, Rick is happy and Ray is happy. Now about my yard. I never did make it out front yesterday because it kept on raining and Rick wouldn’t let me go outside. I had to stay inside all day, but there were some OK movies on so no big deal. It looks great outside this morning. No rain and it’s not very hot this morning either. Lately it had been getting too hot and humid for me to go outside by 9:30 in the morning. Rick wanted me to get him up early today but I don’t know if I want to do that. I can never tell if he’s going to be in a good mood when I wake him up too early. So, I’m drinking my coffee and popping a few M&Ms, and when I’m awake a little more I’ll go upstairs to take my bath and get dressed in my ‘getting dirty in the yard clothes’. I’m totally fine with it being quiet around here, I haven’t seen Jess in a few days now though. I hope that that means that everything is going fine with her two jobs. My kids can go a very long time without calling me because they get so busy, that doesn’t bother me, so no news is good news with them. I’m in a pretty good mood today too so hopefully the rest of the day I’ll stay in this mood.
Rick has been doing very well at keeping the pool nice and clean, but when I went outside early in the morning while the pool was still running I saw water coming out of the pipe that comes out of the filter. Rick had told me that there was a little leak but this was way more than a leak…more like a flood. I told him that I would try to find someone who could fix it, and while I was looking on the computer for a plumber Jesse said “mom have you seen the ceiling in the dining room?” So I hurried into the dining room and the ceiling had so much water built up in it from the air conditioner that the ceiling was separated from the wall and there was a six-inch wide wrinkle going all the way down to the floor. I can’t even imagine how much money these repairs are going to cost. This is definitely going to be an insurance claim.Rick called Ray to tell him what was going on so now Ray is flying in from Hawaii in about a week to deal with the insurance company. I wouldn’t be so concerned about the dining room leak but the downstairs air conditioner is right where the leak starts and I’m afraid that if it gets any worse it will cave in. I think it’s rained here more this month than any other month in recent years, hopefully it won’t rain again before we get the house fixed. I’m so tired, and I’ve been this way since I wrote my last post. I can’t count how many times I’ve sat down at my computer with the intent of writing in my blog and nothing would come out. I just didn’t have anything to say other than “I don’t feel good”, and I didn’t think that would make for a great read. I’m going to try some extra strength coffee this morning in the hopes that I will suddenly be filled with energy. I’ll let you know how that turns out.
I did get to go for my walk the day before yesterday but we had to cut it a bit short, Rick had a hard time going the full two miles because we didn’t go first thing in the morning. By the time I had enough coffee in me to be a person it was about 9am and the sun was already up high enough that we didn’t have any shade to walk in. So, yesterday instead of trying to go walking again Rick talked me into going swimming after he vacuumed the pool and I’m so glad that he did. The water was warm but not too much and we swam around for a long time to make sure that we both exercised enough to make up for not going for a walk. I think that until it cools off considerably we’ll just be going swimming in the morning. I was so happy to know that I could actually get outside and go around the neighborhood because that was the first time in a long time since I’ve had the energy to go anywhere without the car. In fact I was so excited that when we got home I went straight into my garage and cleaned out all of the garbage, but Rick made me go inside and cool off after a few minutes out there. I’ve put on about ten pounds in the past year and all of my favorite clothes don’t fit me anymore so I’m hoping that doing morning exercise again will help me drop the weight. I found out the other day that my son Justin and his girlfriend Ashley are expecting their first baby in February. I don’ like that I’m that old but I’m happy that I’ll have a grandchild. I remember how difficult it was for Rick and I to have children when we were younger so I hope they have an easier time raising a child than we did. Justin is 22 so they’re old enough to be responsible for a baby, but I do wish that they were closer so that I could help them a little bit. When I was on the phone the other day with Justin and were talking about his having a child I told him that I hoped that he had a son and that he was ‘just like him’. He got all upset and started screaming to Ashley that I had just cursed them. He told me ” mom,that’s not funny”…but I thought it was very, very funny. My daughter Jesse has an ex-girlfriend who had just had a baby when they first started dating, and when they broke up Jesse was already attached to the baby so to this day (he’s three now) she takes him a few days a week and he’s always called me grandma Cindy. I don’t know how I ever took care of my kids without losing my mind. I guess that having children is for young people because as I get older I have a hard time being around anyone under 18 without being very agitated. Now I know what to do to teach a child to be well-behaved, but that wasn’t always the case. Luckily my kids grew out of being out of control. It took me a long time to figure it out though. I don’t think that I had a harder time raising them because I only have one leg, I think it was simply that I didn’t know how to raise children to behave the way I wanted them to. Some things just take time and experience. I am glad that I had them when I was younger because now that I’m not able to do as many things they can do things on their own. I hope we can figure something out so that I can be of some kind of assistance with the baby because life is too short to miss out on the good things. I also wish that I could just tell Justin and Ashley what to do to have a well-behaved, well-mannered and well-adjusted child but as we older more experienced parents now know, everyone has to figure that one out on their own and in their own way and their own time. I don’t like to wait for things though so maybe I’ll be able to at least give them a few pointers? Rick replenished my M&M supply yesterday, so me and my tiny shovel are headed out to the front yard this morning to tackle some weeds that popped up in the rocks after it rained the other day. I’m going to go out as soon as the sun comes up so that I can see what I’m doing , hopefully it won’t get too hot before I get them all pulled out. I have to go and buy a new tiny shovel soon because I’ve worn off the handle and I don’t want to get blisters on my hands again like I had the last time I wore out one of my shovels. I need to pick up some new gloves too, mine don’t have much material left at the finger tips and I’m afraid to get a pricker in my finger. I have to be careful about not getting any kind of infection in my right arm that could turn into Lymphadema. That’s a side effect from having my lymph nodes removed during the mastectomy. Luckily I haven’t had any problems with my arm and I want to keep it that way. I have enough to deal with already.