So, the wait is over, and I know now what I knew all along. I do have to admit that just having a more recent scan is going to make it easier for me to just show people the report whenever anyone has a need to know how I’m doing. Actually, it isn’t as bad as I thought it was which means that I’ll have more time to work with than I thought I would. Consider this good news… because I do. It could have been way worse than it is. I probably should call everyone I know and tell them all what I found out, but I’m not too sure that I want to be specific because when I do I get a lot of people who want to ask me a ton of questions on why I don’t do things like they think I should. I understand that there are many misconceptions about aggressive breast cancer, so I do try to give the people I love a little break on the questions. I know that they mean well no matter how hurtful some questions end up being… not to mention I’ve asked a few hurtful and rude questions myself over the years. I see my doctor on Wednesday to see what he thinks I should do because I won’t need hospice if I’m feeling well enough for a while. I was told that can go on and off hospice service as needed, and it only takes one phone call to start-up right away if I get to feeling very sick. On the other hand there are still things that I need that my insurance doesn’t cover. Also, if I have a pain crisis and have the need to take IV pain meds I don’t want to have to go to an emergency room because they always treat me like I’m a drug addict who ran out of her pills(even when I show them that I have all my full pill bottles in my purse). To say that I feel like I’ve been abused my er staff would be the understatement of the century! If I don’t stay on hospice I’ll have to find out very quickly what can be done for me without ever having to go the hospital again. That is definitely what I like about the hospice service the most, they always take such great care of all of me, not just my disease. I think I am going to have to do a bone scan still and I can manage that but if they start asking me about doing another biopsy I think I’m going to lose my mind all over someone. When I came out of the imaging place when I was done being scanned I found Rick waiting for me in the car, he had seen my post on his Facebook page(on his cell phone)about me wanting carrot cake with cream cheese frosting. So, while he was waiting for me he drove to the store and bought me a cake-mix and frosting so that when we came home I could bake it. I made a whole bunch of cup-cakes and have been having them for breakfast yesterday and today. I have eaten a few others during the days but that’s not important. What is important is that I was a good girl so they gave me a snack and juice when I was leaving the imaging place and then Rick spoiled me with cup-cakes. I love that he still tries all the time to make me happy. He did do the vacuuming for me yesterday because I had been saying that I wanted to get that done. I left to go somewhere with my daughter and came back and the floors were mopped and the dishes were running in the dishwasher too…and I didn’t even ask him to do any of it. Other than being really tired and craving sweets, I think I’m doing just fine. If when I wake up tomorrow morning it isn’t raining like it was this morning I want to try going for a walk like we used to do all the time. I know that if I can get myself built back up enough(a little bit at a time) with walking I’ll feel better. I just hope that it gives me more energy and doesn’t back-fire.
Ever since I had the phone call from the lung doctor I kind of figured that I was about to have another surgery, and they did hint to that fact that I might have to have another biopsy when I saw him Tuesday anyway. When we pulled up to the doctor’s office Rick said, “let’s go see when he wants you to have surgery.” I told him that he didn’t know what was going to happen any more than I did and that he needed to wait and see what the doctor had to say. I guess being with me for so many years he pretty much knows what to expect. I only waited in the waiting room for a few minutes but to me it seemed more like hours before the nurse called me back to the exam room. The doctor came in and told me that when he spoke to my oncologist after my last appointment that she told him not to wait for blood test results and to get me to a cardio thoracic surgeon right away. They want me to have the lung biopsy as soon as I can, because even though I don’t have a definite cancer in my lungs, if I do, it would be better to find out quickly what is going on so that way the oncologist can start treating it if it turns out to be cancerous. Better safe than sorry I guess, and although I’m not looking forward to having it done I am looking forward to having an answer to what the lung problem is. All they have to do is put a tube down my throat and go into my lungs to take a small sample and do their little tests on it. I know that during the procedure most people are given drugs to be consciously sedated but I always have to be put under general anesthesia because the twilight drugs never do work on me. More than once I’ve jumped off the operating table and run out of the room in a panic. I usually don’t have a problem convincing the surgeons to put me completely under and I really hope that this new surgeon will see things my way. I’m still very sore from my yard work the other day but I did manage to go to both doctor’s appointments and the pharmacy not to mention that I’ve already cleaned my kitchen since I came home and now I’m so tired and ready to just sit and relax for the rest of the day. I was hoping that I wouldn’t be having another procedure so soon, but it is what it is and I can’t just blow it off so I’m stuck dealing with it. The sooner I have it done the sooner I can move on to the next problem. It’s a really good thing that I can handle things like this without falling apart. If I was a sensitive woman I would be a mess all the time so I guess it’s good that I’m a woman with an attitude and can roll with the punches, but even I can get a little bit overwhelmed with everything going wrong every time I turn around. I found out that between the appointment I had Tuesday and the appointment I had today I’ve lost six pounds, and although I do have a few more pounds that I would love to get rid of, losing it so quickly has got me a bit worried as to why it’s going so fast. I am trying to keep myself busy around the house and yard and Rick has been feeding me mostly healthy meals so that could be why I’ve lost weight. I only want to get back to being normal again, not that I was ever normal by other people standards but normal for me would be great. I know that so many other breast cancer patients have it so much worse than I do and I am grateful that what I’m going through is bearable, but there are some times when I wish that I could wake up and find out that this was all a bad dream. It’s so easy to say “keep your chin up”, it’s a whole other ball game to actually do it.
So yesterday I had planed to do many different things however it didn’t happen that way. I did start the day with my Kona coffee and Cali was fed by 4:30am just like she requires and I even started cleaning the kitchen…then I fell out of my wheelchair. We only smoke outside because that way my house doesn’t smell like smoke when Mom or Jason comes over, and it also keeps the dust in the house to a minimum. We’ve cleaned the pool so it’s beautiful outside now and the only thing left that bothers me out back are the tiny weeds that are coming up in the rocks. Weeds make me crazy! I was going out the patio door for a cigarette and when my front wheels got stuck on the patio the chair just stopped while I kept going and landed on my butt. Not the most graceful landing and I managed to hit all my sore parts on my right side. I guess it could have been worse but man did it hurt. I was here alone but was able to get back into my chair and light my cigarette, a few minutes later I realized that I was in tons of pain. When I went to come back into the house I realized that I did some serious damage and had to take a pill and lay down for a while. I wasn’t able to get all of the cleaning done that I had planned to do and I had to tell mom that I would help her some other day with the corn bags. I think she was able to do some without me, I know Jesse wanted to help her make some so maybe she helped mom get them done. This morning I feel a little bit better but I’m moving kinda slow so I think I’ll start with dusting the living room and dining room, they need it the most. Rick gave me a new vacuum cleaner for Christmas that is self-propelled and that makes it much easier to use so I don’t see any problem with vacuuming. It’s funny how simple things like that are a big deal now. I’ve always managed to do whatever I wanted or needed to do with only one leg because having the wheelchair made it doable but there’s only so much I can do now that I have even more body parts that I can’t use. I’m sure that as I heal more it’ll come easier to me so no worries there. The pain meds definitely make me more tired now but I’m going to turn on my stereo and see if I can get motivated to start the housework…again. This time I’ll be sure to be more careful not to hurt myself though.